[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

President Biden Makes Major Post-Midterm Announcements

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

In some important announcements after the midterm elections, Biden reassures the nation.

In his post-midterm announcements, President Biden stated that “Democracy is safe and there was no red wave,” and that it’s time to move ahead with his agenda.

Biden announcements by Matt Bargar
Photo by Matt Bargar, flickr.com.

In an exclusive post-election interview with SNN Schlock reporter Juicee Lucee, the President first of all asked her to assure all Americans that the all ballots form the 2022 midterm election will be counted by the time the 2024 elections roll around.

He proceeded to roll out his main agenda now that the midterms are over: to save the world from Putin’s attempt at Armageddon. To that point, he said that his son Hunter is the only licensed insurance agent in America selling Armageddon Insurance.

Armageddon insurance is offered worldwide by famed insurance giant Lloyd’s of Slobovia. Under an Armageddon Insurance policy, holders who are killed during Armageddon get full policy value, while those who survive get half policy value, subject to Luxury tax.

President Biden also stated that Hunter is the U.S. Representitive of Quickbuck Kate Pharma, the only producer of the Anti-Armageddon vaccine.

In a related note, Quickbuck Kate Pharma has announced that after his losses in the midterms, they will cease production of their “Anti-Trump vaccine.”

In Other Breaking News Headlines:

Herschel Walker states that if he loses the Georgia Senatorial election runoff, he will relocate to Wakanda.

Donald Trump to abandon GOP and start his own Political party.

SNN Words To Live By:

“Today… Tomorrow… ’til hell freezes over.” — John Wayne in The Longest Day, a 1961 film.

“Warm ass, warm soul.” — Old Slobovian Proverb.

“The only thing good ever to come out of California was the Roller Derby.” — Archie Bunker, All in the Family TV series.

Ted Holland