[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Fauci, Trump Share Jail Cell After Florida Covid Vaccine Indictments Unsealed

Covid vaccine indictments were unsealed in Florida, as police arrested two prominent former federal officials.

TALLAHASSEE FL, April 1, 2023 — Florida cops arrested two prominent former federal officials today in connection with a special grand jury regarding Covid vaccine indictments. Gov. Ron DeSantis announced the busts moments before declaring his intention to seek the 2024 GOP presidential nomination.

vaccine indictments, jail cell
Photo by Tim Hüfner on Unsplash.

He said, “We protect life in Florida. And we don’t tolerate people who put profits over people.”

Don’t Tread on Florida

DeSantis made his statement while standing outside of his Tallahassee governor’s mansion. His young children and wife held a “Don’t Tread on Florida” flag. Conservative reporters, frustrated they couldn’t ask questions, chanted “2024, 2024”.

Prior to the indictments, political observers believed DeSantis planned to challenge former President Donald Trump in GOP primaries later this year.

Choking up, the Republican governor continued, “Unfortunately, a grand jury empaneled at my request charged serious crimes.” According to DeSantis, Trump and Dr. Anthony Fauci “pushed Covid vaccines that harmed Floridians and even killed some of them.”

Trust Betrayed

Moving his hands in Trump-like fashion, he explained what the grand jury determined. “These two guys betrayed our trust. They peddled their drugs even though they knew the people who made them withheld important safety and effectiveness data.”

Trump was arrested at his Florida mansion, Mar-a-Lago.  Fauci was put in handcuffs and leg irons while sunning himself at a South Florida beach.  Both men were held without bail in the Leon County Jail.

A source there said the cellmates are supporting one another. The jailer added, “They have put aside their differences now that they have a common enemy. In short, they see the good in each other.”

DeSantis, a former federal prosecutor, also vowed the grand jury will continue its work.

“We can’t let any of these Covid pandemic war criminals run around town with impunity,” he said.

Feeding Wall Street Beast

“And I promise you. We won’t rest until we round up the Big Pharma thugs who lived large off of their blood profits. Remember, they conspired with federal government officials to line their pockets and feed the Wall Street beast.”

Meanwhile, Trump protested his arrest. In an exclusive interview with MSNBC, he said, “DeSantis also pushed the Covid drugs. Why didn’t the grand jury indict him? So, this is a witch hunt. Pfizer you, DeSantis.”

Fauci, though, was calmer in his remarks to the cable network. “I hope they’ll give me my Covid booster shot in jail. I believe in these life-saving drugs.”

This article first ran at The Satirist.

Steve Schneider