[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Santa Claus Was Grounded by Facial Recognition System

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Millions of kids worldwide went without presents when Santa Claus was grounded by a Schnotzelvakian facial recognition system.

Christmas Eve, December 24, 2022 rates as the darkest day in the history of Santa Claus, as millions of children worldwide went without presents due to an over-zealous facial recognition system, according to SNN Christmas reporter Adeste Fidelis.

facial recognition
Image by EFF Photos, flickr.com.

By Ms. Fidelis account, Santa and his reindeer had begun their normal flight from the north pole and had delivered presents to kids in Iceland, Newfoundland and Disturbia when he landed at Gliddeglittegloopie Air Base in the Republic of Schnotzelvakia for a scheduled Reindeer Hot Chocolate Break. The breaks are a part of the Reindeer new collective bargaining agreement with Mr. Claus.

According to base commander General Nabba Nibby Nabba, a problem occured when Santa tried to take off. In order to fly out of the base, he had to go through the its newly installed Facial Recognition System.

On his first attempt, he was halted when the system stated that he had been recognized, not as Santa Claus, but as 1950’s dirty rassler Skull Murphy. A second attempt identified Santa as the late Jerry Garcia, leader of the Grateful Dead rock band, and a third attempt revealed him to be Spring Byington, star of the fifties sitcom December Bride.

Mr. Claus was immediatly arrested and turned over to the Schnotzelvakian Secret Service to find out exactly who he was. All the presents were confiscated as evidence.

The reindeer were put on a freight train to the North Pole and should arrive there by mid-April.

SNN Words to Live By

“You can change the name of a rose, but you can’t do nuthin’ bout the smell.” — Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith), The Andy Griffith Show on TV.

“A thrill a day keeps the chill away.” — Actress Mae West.

Ted Holland