[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

House Offers Speakership to Q-Shaman and Elmer Fudd

As Kevin McCarthy fails to win election to Speaker of the House, the post is offered to the Q-Shaman and Elmer Fudd.

It is a historic time for the United States, as Kevin McCarthy fails to win election as Speaker of the House, over and over again. 

McCarthy fails, Q-Shaman offered post.
As McCarthy fails, Q-Shaman is offered the post.

Republicans are searching for a respectable alternative, which in their view includes the January 6th insurrectionist Q-Shaman and the gun-toting Elmer Fudd. 

As McCarthy failed to gain approval after 13 rounds, which he thought would be good luck, participants decided to try one last time for the day, rather than adjourn, as many wanted — and as was falsely reported by other media outlets.

After the fourth round, a coalition of exhausted Republicans decided to nominate Elmer Fudd as Speaker. (The Speaker does not need to be a House member.)

“Mr. Fudd will restore order,” said Rep. Steve Scalise, previously second in line behind McCarthy. “With that big shotgun of his, when Fudd speaks, rabbits and people listen!”

After Fudd failed to gain the necessary votes, they offered the post to the Q-Shaman. “The great Q-Shaman has as much experience as McCarthy, or more,” said Lauren Boebert, “since he’s already occupied the dais. He looked like he belonged, so what the heck.”

Other House members say he’d add “character” and “style” to the chamber.

“Q-Shaman is wise, as all shamans are,” said Rep. Paul Gosar, widely known as a font of wisdom himself. “He can unite Republicans and help us win, much like our dear leader and still president, Donald Trump.”

The last time the House failed to elect a speaker in the first round was in 1923. In the 9th round, Frederick Huntington was finally elected. Once they passed nine rounds, they were in pre-Civil War territory.

McCarthy fails, Elmer Fudd in as Speaker.
Elmer Fudd, posing in front of the U.S. Capitol, says he’d love the new hunting grounds.

Prior to entertaining these compromise candidates, the anti-McCarthy faction of Republicans tried to gain control. Rep. Lauren Boebert of Colorado, known affectionately in the House as “Klannie Oakley” for her love of guns and racism, got together with Marjorie Taylor Greene (known as “Mad Marge the Klan Mom”).

The two of them couldn’t decide who outranked the other, so they held a mud wrestling match to determine who was boss. MTG won, due to her sheer strength and daily workout regimen.

Her rank established, MTG proposed arming the far-right MAGA wing of the party with AR-15s to force their will. However, once armed, other members tried to gain the upper hand of the faction, and an ugly shootout resulted in a stalemate.

Republicans finally began negotiating with Democrats in earnest once it became clear that the MAGA faction could not gain control and that the larger anti-McCarthy faction would not budge. The only people they could agree on were the Q-Shaman and Elmer Fudd of Looney Tunes fame.

“Shhh. Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits,” said Fudd when first asked if he would accept the position. After once again failing to get Bugs Bunny, Fudd agreed out of frustration.

“Wabbits be damned, let’s go hunt some wascawwy Republicans,” he said. “They need to be whipped into shape, the anti-democwacy bums!”

In the end, it was his famously short temper and his pledge to never allow any “Bugs Bunny Democrats” to pass bills that got him the nomination.

Secretly, Democrats would be thrilled to have Fudd as speaker, with one noting off the record, “Everyone knows about his legendary gullibility and short attention span, much like the their incompetent leader down in Mar-a-Lago. We’re going to have fun with this guy!”

James Israel
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