[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Ukraine Returns Questionable Aid Package

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The Ukrainian president sent back most of a “useless” aid package sent by the well-meaning country of Slobovia.

According to SNN war correspondent Greta Grenade, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has returned a massive aid package sent to the war-torn country by Slobovian President General Blount Force Trauma.

aid package rejected
Photo via president.gov.ua, CC BY 4.0.

General Trauma was slightly miffed at the return of the package and stated, “I send Zelenskyy everything his soldiers need to win war. I sent meat, liquor, bullets, bibles, music, medicine and pussy… everything soldier need to win war.”

According to President Zelenskyy, the Slobovian aid package consisted of 75,000 cans of Slobovian Spam-like mystery meat, 3 boxcars of Slobovian vodka, 12 boxcars of ammunition, 2 boxcars full of bibles, 50,000 copies of the CD “Great War Songs” by Nudnik and Poofey, 5 boxcars of condoms, 56,000 doses of penicillin and 14 boxcars loaded with Slobovian whores.

President Zelenskyy explained, “Slobovian mystery meat and vodka make goats sick, ammunition was for Slobovian SQ15 rifle, which we don’t have, bibles were Slobovian Defecationist Bible, Ukrainians not “defecationist,” CD suck, and Slobovian Whores meaner than Russian troops. We keep condoms and penicillin, send rest back.”

General Trauma said that snooty Zelenskyy could “Kiss my Gavonkis.”

SNN Words to Live By

“Be all that you can be.” — US Army TV ad.

“Golly gum beat a polecat in a bear hollow.” — Festus Hagen (Ken Curtis), Gunsmoke TV show.

“Misery loves company, especially when Misery’s husband is out of town.” — Chuck Barris, The Gong Show.

Ted Holland