[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

House Speaker Feeling His Oats

House Speaker Kevin McCartney has reached his stride as he shepherds pet MAGA Republican bills through the chamber.

House Speaker Kevin McCartney celebrated victory Friday with the passage, by a slim majority, of the much-heralded Parents’ Bill of Rights Act, which he says guarantees that “parents will have a say in their kids’ education.”

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy
House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, Public Domain.

The bill would require schools to publish lists of books contained in the school library; announce when transgender girls join “normal girls’” athletic teams; and report when they use “regular female” restrooms. Decried by LGBTQ+ advocates as an attempt to marginalize gay and transgender students, McCartney said he was only “keeping a promise” to “out and then get out” all the faggots who have proliferated in public schools today due to “woke” oversight.

Rep. Lauren Boebert, R-Colo., introduced an amendment that would require a restroom monitor, whose function, she said, would be to segregate students into “sitters and pointers,” thereby affording correct assignment to the proper bathroom facility. The amendment narrowly failed.

Across the nation, efforts to ban books have gained momentum. Likened by librarians and other literacy advocates as emblematic of the scourge of book-burning in 1930s Germany, book banning “is not a problem,” said McCartney, noting that “the more books banned, the better.” “Some book burning is in order too,” he added, particularly those presenting “nekkid pictures” and “big-breasted black women,” like on the covers of National Geographic Magazine. McCartney’s remarks were greeted by a standing ovation on the Republican side of the chamber.

Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, fresh off a conjugal visit to the jail where political prisoners convicted in the January 6 tourist visit are presently housed, said that they are banning books in prison, too. Greene added that she and Boebert would be double-dating Joshua James and Enrique Tarrio, leaders of the Alabama Oath Keepers and Proud Boys, respectively. She said the group will be going to Six Flags.

“These bills are just the beginning,” remarked McCartney, highlighting the “narrow but significant” GOP majority in the House. He predicted that the newly “anti-woke” chamber has much to accomplish in the current Congress, including instituting a “Non-woke Citizens’ Bill of Rights,” which, among other things, would allow adults and children over the age of 9 to carry lethal weapons in public places in order to “wing LGBTQ+ and other woke” denizens.

“They would have a three-bag limit,” laughed McCartney, saying that hunting was a pastime that the whole family could enjoy. “Provided they ain’t woke!” added Marjorie Taylor Greene shrilly.

Despite cries from the black community of “institutional racism,” McCartney said he opposes racism that is not based on color, religion, or ethnic origin. “It’s gotta make some sense,” he explained, adding that while he was growing up in Bakersfield, California, he “always had time for nigras,” even if they were “black as shit.” He has no time, he went on to say, for critical race theory, which, he contends, makes “a mockery” of the status quo. “Somewhere,” said McCartney, “you just gots to draw the line.”

When questioned as to his future plans, having already achieved the Speakership, McCartney replied that he was considering a run for the presidency, if he could only change his name to Trump. Even Melania Trump would work, he said, inasmuch as he’s “been rehearsing for the role” for seven years. Or, he said, he may just produce a new Beatles recording; he’ll call it “The White-Only Album.”

Bill Tope