[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Undergoes Treatment for Peyronie’s Disease

Trump’s personal physician said that the ex-president has undergone treatment for Peyronie’s Disease.

Former President Donald J. Trump’s personal physician, Dr. Seymour Pussy, said in a press release today that the ex-president has undergone treatment for Peyronie’s Disease.

Peyronie's, toadstool
Stormy Daniels said Trump’s member “was like a toadstool.”

Pussy explained that years of accumulation of plaque in Trump’s penis had caused a penile curvature of almost 180 degrees, making intercourse for the president impossible with anyone except morbidly double-jointed partners.

Trump’s sexual life has been the subject of conjecture for decades prior to his political career. In the 1980s, then-girlfriend Marla Maples declared in a banner headline that “The Best Sex I Ever Had” was with Donald Trump. One time Trump attorney and fixer Michael Cohen testified before a House committee in 2019 that Trump in fact paid $130,000 to have the bogus headline placed in the New York Post.

In the 1990s, in an interview with radio host Howard Stern, Trump described women’s vaginas as “potential landmines” with respect to contracting venereal diseases. He likened dating to “a soldier going to war in Vietnam.”

Alleged lover Stormy Daniels conceded that while Trump “doesn’t have freakishly small” genitals, his penis “is smaller than most men’s.” She said it “was like a toadstool” in that it “had an abnormally large head.”

Doctors at Walter Reed Army Hospital worked for nine hours on Trump, surgically removing years of plaque accumulation on his penis after initial protein injections failed to take effect. While the excision was successful, the result was that Trump’s penis was markedly smaller.

Pussy said that was addressed when a trans-species tissue graft from an orangutan at Sinead’s Petting Zoo was made to Trump’s penis and that the surgery was successful. And rumors that Trump’s affection for Melania has changed seemed to be confirmed when noted Chinese contortionist Wei Wei spoke from Mar-a-Large and said that “her man” was “good to go.”

Bill Tope
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