[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Golf Foursome Ponders Trump’s Future

At Mar-a-Lago, a luminous golf foursome discusses Trump’s future.

This reporter caught up with former President Donald J. Trump at his Mar-a-Lago golf course in Palm Beach, Florida on Wednesday to discuss the history as well as the future of the Trump fortunes, both political and otherwise. Trump’s golf foursome included possible presidential candidate and rival Gov. Ron DeSantis, former Fox News host Tucker Carlson, ex-CNN anchor Don Lemon, and a fourth player who played well but remained in the shadows.

golf foursome, image by Steve Jurvetson, flickr.com
Trump attempting to golf. Image by Steve Jurvetson, flickr.com.

The principal question confronting stalwart members of former President Donald J. Trump’s base of MAGA enthusiasts is: where do they turn from here? Trump finds himself at a crossroads, caught between significant blemishes on his personal reputation, including an indictment in a hush money scheme that sent former Trump attorney and fixer Michael Cohen to prison, and an unfavorable ruling in the infamous E. Jean Carroll civil rape case. The ex-president also faces possible indictment in several additional cases in New York, Atlanta, Washington, D.C., and Florida.

Quipped former New Jersey Republican Governor Chris Christie, playing through: “If Trump could just win primaries in the states where he potentially faces indictment, he’d have the nomination sewn up.” In frustration, Trump stepped on Christie’s ball and mashed it angrily into the ground.

When asked to comment on Trump’s legal woes, foursome member Governor Ron DeSantis, an as yet undeclared candidate for president, would say only that “it was the woke crowd” of “transsexuals and drag queens who were working against the former president’s interests” in his home state of Florida. When asked if the adverse ruling in the civil rape action against Trump in New York surprised him, he only grinned and remarked that “very little surprises me these days.”

Donald Trump’s political destiny has taken several left turns in recent months, including the legal debacle concerning his surreptitious possession of classified federal documents following his retirement to his compound at Mar-a-Lago in Florida. The case is considered by legal experts to be the most serious action being levied against him.

“I disclassified them,” he asserted on the 10th hole at the golf club/estate at seven that morning. The foursome had 85 more holes to play that morning. “I just thought about them,” he said, spreading his hands wide. “And this very special genius dissed ’em.” He shrugged his shoulders. “There’s nothing more to it. I got that power; I’m still president, you know.”

Trump came to prominence in the 1970s as the scion of his real estate mogul father, Fred Trump. The younger Trump cut a name for himself, launching himself to new financial heights with the benefit of “just a few hundreds of millions from the old man,” said Trump, remembering. “I mean, I’m practically like a self-made man.”

“Yeah,” said psychologist and author Mary Trump, Trump’s cousin, sipping tequila on the back nine. “In the same way that frozen ice cream is practically simmering chicken soup,” Mary Trump spoke on condition of anonymity.

For several decades, Donald Trump was the celebrated and iconic “player” among the tony New York City set and was quite the man about town. In 1977, he married former model Ivana Zelnickova, a Czechoslovakian skiing champion. After three children, the couple divorced. But the former Mrs. Trump was never far from Trump’s mind, he said. In fact, she is buried at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey. She is interred adjacent to the ball washer between the clubhouse and the first tee. On the topic of rape, which recently encroached on Trump’s personal life, Trump was once accused by his first wife, Ivana, of rape during their tumultuous marriage; she later recanted. A transcript of a deposition taken at the time but unseen until now shows the following interchange:

(Taken from Michael Cohen’s cell phone…)

Attorney: Mr. Trump, did you rape your wife?

Trump: How is that even possible? A man, his wife, his chattel?

Att: You think of Mrs. Trump as your property?

Trump: “Hell, I didn’t get a wedding certificate; I got a freakin’ bill of sale.”

Att: Did you use coercion at all?

Trump: I’m telling her: you take it like a woman, or I’ll take it like a man! She wised up. She’s no rat.

“Small loss,” remarked Trump confidant and former CNN anchor Don Lemon, of Mrs. Trump’s passing. “Clearly, she was past her prime.”

After breezing through two additional wives, Trump finds himself again today with a disaffected spouse, according to insiders. When asked how he was getting on with Melania (nee Knavs), Trump replied cryptically, “You mean the $100 million woman?” and he sliced off the tee. Melania is reportedly concerned for her well-being, hoping that Ivana’s fate does not befall her. Ivana Trump fell and died in her home in New York City on July 14, 2022, at the age of 73. The cause of death was “blunt trauma to the torso,” which was determined by authorities to have been accidental. When questioned in that regard, Trump smiled thinly and took a mulligan.

Marla Maples, Mr. Trump’s second wife, is often spoken of as the “forgotten wife.” Ridding himself of Marla for a reported $2 million, Trump speaks little of her. The couple gained notoriety in a 1990 New York Post banner headline, attributed to Marla, saying “The Best Sex I Ever Had” was with Trump. When asked to respond to her compliment, she agreed with Marla, claiming that “sex with myself was the best sex I ever had, too.”

Trump entered the political arena in 2015 with a descent on the golden escalator in the lobby of Trump Tower. Since then, his fortunes have been a mixed bag. Trump’s decisions, directives, and executive orders have been lamented by progressives for the last eight years. For example, his Muslim ban, his tardy response to the COVID pandemic, and his derision of progressive causes like Black Lives Matter. In 2020, then-President Trump publicly defended a white teenager for shooting three BLM protesters. “It was a fair shot,” Trump protested. “The kid wasn’t even using a scope, which he had a right to use. Besides, they were running away,” he went on, “and the kid wanted to make a citizen’s arrest.” He defended the gunfire as only “warning shots to the back of the head. That kid’ll grow up to be a good cop!” Trump garnered additional criticism for dismissing preventative measures like mask wearing during the late COVID pandemic and for calling the virus Kung-flu, igniting hostility against Asians. Trump looked up from his putt, waved press clippings away as “fake news,” and then knocked his golfball into the cup with the heel of his shoe.

Trump’s most recent legal problems may present the highest hurdle yet, in particular the jury’s ruling in the civil rape trial, which recently concluded.

“I’m glad my client was not named a rapist,” conceded Trump attorney Joe Tacopina. “I’m further happy that he has not (yet) been convicted of seditious conspiracy, falsified professional records, or abrogated Executive Order 13526,” which concerns the handling of classified documents. Tacopina, pausing to hand the ex-president a nine-iron, remarked that the order was executed by former president Obama, who was, after all, just a nigra.

The most rancor has been engendered by the accusation that Donald Trump raped journalist E. Jean Carroll in a department store in 1996. Said Trump: “In Bergdorf’s? Not a chance. Saks, maybe—I like the name; it’s reminiscent of ‘sex.’ Besides, they play better mood music. Not Bergdorf’s, cheesh, c’mon. How is old Horseface?” he asked, spotting a wire service photo of former lover Stormy Daniels.

Steering the narrative back to E. Jean Carroll and her rape allegations, Trump remarked: “Her story’s all wet—no pun intended—if I were inside her, she couldn’t have just pushed me off her. I mean, I’m man-sized, not like little Marco or little Ted, or….” We approached the 18th green–four men walking, with Trump bouncing ahead in a golf cart.

Joe Tacopina, holding Trump’s golf bags, said his client “was a star” and “has been so for a million years.”

Carlson, who shot an even 300 for the round, said that there is a “94% chance that the real rapist was an illegal alien—a damn Mexican.”

“Of course,” added Trump. “That’s what they send—the rapists.”

The final member of the foursome took that moment to step forward.

“Hey,” whispered Bill Murray, speaking behind a hand, “do you want to know why Mickey Mouse hates Ron DeSantis so much?”

“Why does he?” asked this reporter.

“Because he thought that the governor was fuckin’ goofy!”

Trump strolls to the pin, drops the ball from his hand into the cup and smiles smugly.

Bill Tope