Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
A world-famous eccentric scientist has proposed a highly unusual cure for global warming. It’s a dirty job, can we make it happen?
According to most weather experts around the world, 2023 is the hottest year in the Earth’s existence. This situation has caused violent storms and fires, devastating floods, killer droughts and water shortages, as well as other weather-related incidents.
“This doesn’t have to be… there is a simple solution to the problem of climate change and its devastating offshoots,” stated world-famous, yet very eccentric scientist Dr. Wolfgang Clitoris, Professor Emeritis and head of the Science And Uugum Buugum Department at the University of Vagina at Scabies.
He continued, “Global warming is simply caused by the fact that there is a hole in the Earth’s ozone layer, and the material to fix that hole lies within each and every human being on Earth. It is the gasses emitted every second by human flatulence.”
Dr. Clitoris went on, “There is enough plain old fashioned Fart Gas on Earth to plug the hole in the Ozone layer. The secret is to coordinate enough people farting simultaneously to do the job.”
Dr. Clitoris said that there needs to be a World-Wide Fart-In, in which 67 million people around the world expel their gasses at exactly the same time. The gas would rise to the ozone layer, where highly trained Fart Gas Masons would seal up the Ozone hole. This process would protect the Earth for 17 years.
He said that they are searching for volunteers worldwide to come on board. He said that there is very little involved, the only inconvience will be that all potential farters would have to go on a strict diet of garbanzo beans and 9-day-old sauerkraut juice for 10 days immediately before the event. If he can get approval and funding, the World-Wide Fart-In would be held on July 4, 2024.
Dr. Clitoris is reported to be 116 years old. He says that his longevity is because he eats only vitamin-enriched dirt and Hostess Twinkies.
SNN Words to Live By
“Ya gotta believe” — 1973 New York Mets motto.
“Twist them hips, let your backbone slip.” — Major Lance, The Monkey Time, 1963 song.
“You know what a lawman is… he’s a killer of men. That’s the job.” — Marshal Jared Maddox (Bert Lancaster), Lawman, 1971 film.
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