[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Minority Rights: A Wrong That’s Been Righted

Hurray! SCOTUS has ruled to forestall the scurrilous influx of so-called minority rights into our society.

By Llib Epot, Conservative Capital Correspondent

At last! The Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) has ruled, in their typically reasonable and common sense way — emblematic of the Trump Court — to forestall the scurrilous influx of so-called minority rights into our society. On June 30, the Court ruled unequivocally that businesses can discriminate in rendering services and merchandise to those businesses and individuals whose sexual identity conflicts with their personal or religious philosophies. This is the most important anti-LGBTQ case since Dale, where SCOTUS ruled, sensibly, once again, that homosexual men could be denied scout master positions based on their sexual identities.

Minority Rights: Supremes by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.
Minority rights: Supremes rule. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

Not since the 1850s has such a rich opportunity been available to small businesses in America. Writing per the 6-3 decision, Justice Clarence Thomas hinted that this ruling may be viewed as a model for future, similar rulings. A woman in Salt Lake City this week announced that she would not fill orders for wedding cakes from Black individuals, because of “the sin of Ham against Noah.” Bravo! The New Confederacy, in particular, has embraced this decision, citing it as an opportunity to reestablish chattel slavery throughout the South. Cotton growers are said to be licking their lips.

The owner of a janitorial company in St. Louis, Mo. came forward and said he would no longer clean office buildings owned by Jewish merchants because such individuals are “Christ killers” and that obliging Jews with service would run contrary to his religion.

J.B. Beavis & Sons, a share-a-ride purveyor based in Austin, Tx., said in a statement today that women residing in Illinois, which is a part of Beavis’s territory, would not be provided with rides on the off chance that they would be transported to facilities in search of an abortion. “Baby-killing is legal in the Land of Lincoln,” said the statement, “and we will do nothing to assist in the murder of children.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. GA) said Thursday that she’ll welcome back the age of Jim Crow “with open arms.” She added that the First Amendment, upon which the Court ruling was based, is, after the Second Amendment, the most important part of the U.S. Constitution. Some were outspoken on the recent conservative turn of the Supreme Court.

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D. CA) said that the conservative majority on the court was “a bunch of assholes.”

When queried on the SCOTUS decision, current House Speaker Kevin McCarthy asked, sheepishly “What does Trump say about it? Because, that’s what I think too.”

Others were even more cagey: Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R. KY) said that a change in the lineup of the Supreme Court was called for. “I think,” remarked McConnell, “that we need at least three more conservatives on the court.” Then he chuckled softly as an old lady slipped on a banana peel and fell on the Capitol steps.

Bill Tope