[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Rich and Famous Continue to Dote on Clarence Thomas

Clarence Thomas is riding high these days, thanks to his rich and famous “friends.”

Once again, billionaire benevolence bedevils Supreme Court Associate Justice Clarence Thomas, as new revelations about his acceptance of largesse at the hands of the rich and famous have emerged.

rich and famous ride Boeing 737
Clarence Thomas is riding high these days. Photo: delta407, flickr.com, CC BY-SA 2.0.

In April, Thomas was linked to billionaire megadonor Harlon Crow, as Thomas’s receipt of expensive trips, lodgings and gifts surfaced in a report by ProPublica. Today, additional revelations were disclosed, including:

At least 26 chartered airplane flights and 8 helicopter rides, to as many as 38 exclusive, luxury destinations, including fishing trips, vacations, and generalized ass-grabbing.

A yachting trip to the Bahamas. Also aboard the vessel were 14 employees of a Georgetown Hooters restaurant, who reportedly performed lap dances for Thomas and his wife Ginni.

At minimum, twelve admissions to exclusive pro and college sporting events, including entry to Skyboxes. In one incident, Thomas reportedly became intoxicated and “grabbed a USC cheerleader” and had to be physically restrained with animal tranquilizers.

Several flights on a 737 aircraft, dispatched exclusively for Thomas’ use. The 5-hour round trip, from D.C. to South Florida, costs more than $130,000. Said Justice Thomas in a Washington Post op-ed: “I travels first class! Why not? Alito ain’t goin’ steerage.” And, when questioned by peers, Thomas allegedly remarked that, “for that much dough, I coulda’ had a romp with Stormy Daniels.”

Speaking of Alito, in 2008, Supreme Court Associate Justice Samuel Alito was treated to an elaborate Alaskan salmon fishing trip by billionaire conservative Paul Singer, and when a case came before SCOTUS involving Singer, Alito declined to recuse himself. “Hey,” declared Alito, “I owed the dude, alright?” Rumors have surfaced that a Singer aide, Chewey Bulgar, clandestinely baited Alito’s hook.

Republican congressional leaders have been less than forthcoming in their appraisal of ethics as practiced–or not practiced–by the High Court. Said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R. KY): “I have total confidence in our Supreme Court Chief Justice (John Roberts) to deal with these internal court issues itself.” When questioned further, the Kentucky Senator admitted that he “hasn’t yet decided” what the terms “internal,” “court,” “itself” and “total confidence” really stand for, in the context of his remarks. McConnell has proposed naming a bipartisan committee to investigate the matter.

Long-serving Senator Chuck Grassley (R. IA) agreed, deriding Democrats’ “needless uproar over honest mistakes that don’t violate any laws and don’t violate any ethics.” When questioned further on the relevant ethics, a female Grassley congressional aide explained that the senator “had to take a pill” and “was unavailable.” The aide, who refused to give her name, was dressed in a caftan and looked curiously like Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

In speaking of Justice Thomas, Jeremy Fogel, a former federal judge and long-serving panelist on an oversight committee monitoring judges’ financial disclosures, said that he “didn’t remember seeing this degree of largesse bestowed on anyone.” He did, however, make a parenthetical reference to former president Donald Trump’s brief stay at a Russian Ritz-Carlton hotel, where he reportedly watched prostitutes urinating on one another in a bed once occupied by President Obama and his wife. “That’s first-class service,” he remarked, “for number one.”

Bill Tope