[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

GOP Candidates Campaign, Accept Plaudits at Iowa State Fair

Wanna-be GOP candidates campaign for the presidential nomination at the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines.

As wanna-be GOP candidates campaign for the presidential nomination at the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines, they are being greeted by admirers and hecklers alike. Among those attending are former Vice President Mike Pence, one-time U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, California talk show host Larry Elder.

Iowa State Fair, GOP candidates campaign
Voters inspect two of the more popular candidates, as GOP candidates campaign at the Iowa State Fair. Photo by Phil Roeder, flickr.com, CC BY 2.0.

But, stealing most of the attention has been twice-impeached, thrice-indicted, convicted serial sexual abuser and defamer, former President Donald J. Trump.

The former president told reporters off the bat that he would eschew the Des Moines Register-sponsored Political Soapbox and Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds’s “Fair-side Chats,” wherein GOP candidates would be given an additional opportunity to address voters’ concerns. Trump said that he was “insulted” that Reynolds had not endorsed his candidacy for the nomination and that, moreover, “she’s not my type.”

Mike Pence could be found at an event perenially sponsored by the Iowa Pork Producer Association: grilling pork chops. The Iowa Pork Tent, once covered by a tent, but this year sporting a permanent roof, typically sells 5-6000 pork-chop on-a-sticks daily throughout the 10-day event. When asked how he was enjoying himself grilling pork, Pence described the event as “familiar ground,” inasmuch as he spent four years as Trump’s vice president.

Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, unscheduled to make an appearance, showed up at the Iowa Dairy Association display, which was a 600 lb. cow carved from butter. He was there, he said, to assist in the preparation of buttercicles, which are stalks of butter, rolled in bread crumbs and deep-friend in, you guessed it, butter. “The breakfast-of-champions,” he called it.

DeSantis, meanwhile, was busy judging the Iowa Drag Exhibition, held this year, as always, in the Transgender Tent. The Florida governor entered the tent at 9am and didn’t emerge till some time after nightfall. A good time, said a spokesperson, was had by all.
Iowa Governor Kim Renolds, rebuffed by Donald Trump’s refusal to participate in one of her “Fair-side Chats,” observed that Trump “was an effing dildo” and that she “didn’t miss him.”

Governor DeSantis, once he emerged from the Transgender Tent, shared the stage with Reynolds and reiterated his claim that the Ukraine war was a “border dispute” and didn’t merit future American financial support. He also insisted that all textbooks be removed from American schools and replaced with videos produced by PragerU, a media organization with a conservative bent, whose founder admits that the videos are intended “for indoctrination.”

Said DeSantis: “As soon as we get the Black kids clued in that slavery was good for them — sort of a career counseling experience — and the homos convinced that they’re all going to hell in a handbasket, then I think things will turn out alright.” When asked by Reynolds how he would regard the concerns of Black LGBTQ Floridans, he waved the question away and said, “Don’t get me started.”

Trump had by this time gathered a host of reporters, to whom he said that “I never told Mike Pence to violate the Constitution.” He added, ‘And I never told him he was too honest! Now Liddle Mike wants to be a tough guy. He could have had greatness, but he chose another path.”

“Yeah,” smirked Chris Christie, approaching Trump from the rear. “By violating the Constitution, he could have chosen federal prison.” Trump turned and glared at the former Governor. “But,” continued Christie, “that’s the path that you chose.”

Kim Reynolds, interviewing talk show host Larry Elder, asked what his first action as the newly-elected president would be. “That’s easy,” replied Elder. “I’d pardon my fellow America First compatriot Donald J. Trump.” He went on to state that the inimical influence of fatherlessness “must be addressed from the bully pulpit.” When a native of Elder’s home state of California remarked that Larry Elder himself had, in fact, seven illegitimate children, he came back with, “Why do you think I’m running for president? I gotta lot of child support to pay!”

And thus concluded the first day of the 2023 Iowa State Fair.

Bill Tope