[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Executions Scheduled for White House Lawn

Future News: Dear Leader Donald J. Trump to host executions of his enemies, as promised in his presidential campaign.

(Dateline: Jan. 6, 2026, 8:00 a.m., Washington D.C.) — President Donald J. Trump, in observation of the 5th anniversary of the Blessed Insurrection, now a national holiday, announced ritual executions, including that of one-time 4-Star General Mark Milley, a former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the military’s highest position. The gala will be broadcast live by Fox News.

executions, Jan. 6 gallows
The original January 6th gallows will finally be put to use. Photo: Tyler Merbler, flickr.com, CC-by-2.0

The event is part of Trump’s “Retribution Tour,” in which executions of the nation’s enemies will be performed across the nation. 

Milley will be hanged at 12:00 noon, on the lawn of the White House. The United States Marine Band will perform “Dixie,” “Old Black Joe,” and Twisted Sister will perform “We’re Not Gonna Take It” at the moment that Milley’s neck snaps.

Also facing execution are former Vice President Mike Pence, one-time Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and former Trump Attorney General William Barr, all convicted on felony counts of treason. The latter three will have their limbs bound to horses and then torn asunder. According to Trump spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders, a good time will be had by all.

Trump mugs will be sold to attendees on the White House grounds, with proceeds going toward construction of the Trump Presidential Library, to be erected in Fulton County, Georgia.

Bill Tope