[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Alcatraz University Unveils ‘Crimecentric Degree Program’

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The President of Alcatraz U has introduced an all-new “Crimecentric Degree Program” to advance the careers of its inmates.

“Anyone can learn to be a criminal,” stated Dr. #427895, President of Alcatraz University.

Home of scenic Alcatraz U. Photo by Don Ramey Logan, CC BY-SA 3.0.

“In the near future, the well-educated criminal will rule the world. To that end, Alcatraz University is proud to announce that enrollment is now open for our Crimecentric Degree Program. In 18 months, anyone can earn a Master of Criminal Activity Degree,” said the university president.

Dr. #427895 said the the program contains all the basics of criminal activity. Courses include:

  • How to Steal Anything
  • Criminal Activity for Kids Under 12
  • Basic Stickup Techniques
  • The ABC’s of B&E
  • Carjacking 101
  • The Lost Art of Picking Pockets and Purse Snatching
  • The Art of Shoplifting
  • How to Recruit, Organize and Manage a Smash and Grab Posse
  • Mexican Border Coyote People Smuggling Techniques
  • Drug Cartel Management
  • Basics of Phone Scamming
  • Basics of Online Scamming
  • Shoot anybody, Anytime, Anywhere
  • Fentanyl for Fun and Profit
  • Meth Lab Maintenance
  • Hedge Fund Embezzlement
  • Build Your Own Ponzi Scheme
  • Kidnap Taylor Swift, the Pope, the LA Lakers, etc.
  • The Magic of Criminal Artificial Intelligence

Dr. #427895 said that enrollment is open to anyone between the ages of 2 to 120. “New inmates welcome… looking at you, Donald Trump!” he said with a wink, adding, “All tuition must be paid in stolen or embezzled funds.”

Breaking News

UBSI (Universal Bull Shit Institute) presents Donald Trump with Lifetime Achievement Award

SNN Words to Live By

“He who turns the other cheek will get hit with the other fist.” — Comedian Nipsey Russell.

“Get yourself naked and dig the music.” — Wolfman Jack.

“When women go wrong, men go right after them.” — Actress Mae West.

Ted Holland