[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Supreme Court Issues Code of (Mis)conduct

To prove that they govern themselves, the Supreme Court Justices issued what might best be described as a “Code of Misconduct.”

A new “Code of Conduct and Best Practices” was released by the Supreme Court on Monday, but some are calling it a “code of misconduct.”

Inside the Supreme Court, code of misconduct
Inside the Supreme Court. By Phil Roeder – Flickr: Supreme Court of the United States, CC BY 2.0.

In an accompanying statement signed by all nine justices, members of the Supreme Court cited a “misunderstanding” regarding the idea that Supreme Court Justices do not hold themselves to a code of ethical behavior. Among other things, the new code mandates justices “avoid impropriety and the appearance of impropriety in all activities.”

At the presentation of the code to the press, Justice Thomas could be heard laughing heartily from his office.

Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL), who has been prominent in criticism and scrutiny of the Court, said that the recently released code “falls short” of expectations as a guide to ethical parameters. The reason, he said, is that enforcement of the code is not mandatory. Durbin remarked, “It’s like the Court said, ‘Let’s play baseball, but leave the calling of balls and strikes and outs to the players…'”

The Senate Judiciary Committee had been about to vote on issuing subpoenas for Supreme Court sugar daddies Harlan Crow and Leonard Leo, but Monday’s move by the Court resulted in the vote being postponed.

Although some justices were enthusiastic about the establishment of a code of ethics, Justice Samuel Alito questioned the right of one branch of government to “burden” another branch of government with ethical rules, citing separation of powers. “Like Diana Ross said,” quipped Alito, “we’re the Supremes.”

As regards criticism of the new ethical code, that there is no apparent means of enforcement. Chief Justice Roberts stated, “for more than two hundred years the Court has been policing itself, why should that change? What could possibly go wrong?”

Possible ethical violations, as compiled by Propublica:

Justice Sam Alito — went on an elaborate and expensive salmon fishing trip with billionaire and GOP mega-donor Paul Singer. Alito allegedly had his “hook” baited by a server from Georgetown Hooters.

Justice Clarence Thomas — took as many as 40 expensive junkets to exotic locations on the dime of billionaire alleged child-molester Harlan Crow. Crow also paid bought Thomas’s mother’s house and let her live there rent-free; gave Thomas a $25,000 bible once owned by Adolf Hitler; bought the Thomases a $500,000 RV; paid for prostitutes for both Thomas and his wife Virginia (Ginni) Thomas; and had Crow’s wife perform fellatio on the ass-grabbing Associate Justice.

Justice Brett Kavanaugh — Rocker Ted Nugent installed beer taps in Kavanaugh’s home and two vehicles; gifted him a fleet of beer trucks; and posted bail for no less than three Kavanaugh DUI arrests; provided carnal hook-up for Kavanaugh with Stevie Nicks.

Associate Justice Amy Coney has expressed misgivings about the new ethical code for the Supreme Court. “I don’t think it’s fair that other justices have fed at the tough for decades,” said Barrett, “and now that I, finally, get a chance at the big time, I’m reduced to speaking engagements.”

“Shit!” she said, “I want mine!”

Bill Tope