[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Want to Live Like a President? Trump to Sell Private Quarters at Mar-a-Lago

Former president and current defendant in multiple court cases Donald J. Trump wants to sell his private quarters in Florida to raise funds.

In an effort to scare up funds to settle a $370 million debt incurred in his Manhattan civil fraud case, former President Donald J. Trump has opted to sell his private quarters at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Florida. The property will, according to Trump spokesperson Steven Miller, “go to the highest bidder.” Trump set the minimum bid at $300 million.

private quarters at Mar-a-Lago with top secret documents
Sorry, these boxes of top secret documents are no longer available. However, Trump has hinted there might be some stashed away for the lucky buyer. Photo: U.S. Department of Justice, Public Domain.

Mar-a-Lago (which means from the sea to the lake in pig Latin) is a 128-room estate built by crazed cereal heiress Marjorie Merriweathe Post in 1927, at a cost of $7 million ($120 in today’s dollars). Trump purchased the property in 1985 for $5 million in a slumping real estate market. When Mar-a-Lago was first purchased, it suffered from years of neglect. Reportedly, Trump had to evict “the damn Cubans” who had set up a methamphetamine lab in the galley. Only the private quarters, reportedly 2,000-3,000 square feet, but estimated by Trump at 75,000 square feet, is for sale.

“Mar-a-Lago,” said Trump, “is like a time capsule. Reminders of pivotal points in American history are everywhere.” He cited the purchase from a hotel in Moscow, the bed shared by Barack and Michelle Obama, which Trump finessed into a “golden showers” episode, using prostitues, years later. He also pointed to a notarized copy of a birth certificate which proves that Obama was born in “a shithole country,” and not in Hawaii as the 44th president claimed.

On the virtues of the private quarters, the ex-president waxed eloquent. “This property,” boasted Trump, “has everything. Gold-leaf bidets, gold-encrusted crappers, military plans, weapons schematics, schedules for the bombardment of Iran, all conveniently stored in the bathrooms.” Reportedly, Russian President Vladimir Putin and N. Korean strongman Kim Jung Un have shown keen interest in buying this property.

Bill Tope
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