[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

‘Sticky Fingers Trump’ Embezzles from Slush Fund

Insider denounces “Sticky Fingers Trump” for defalcation, Trump unpredictably calls it a “witch hunt.”

Whistleblower testimony alleges that former President Donald J. “Sticky Fingers Trump” dipped into the cash reserves of his Save America Leadership PAC to the tune of $50 million to pay for his legal expenses for 2023. Other claims were made that additional funds donated by Trump boosters across the nation were appropriated for personal use by the ex-president and his family.

Sticky Fingers Trump
“Sticky Fingers Trump” grabs the cash and runs. Photo by Marco Verch (adapted), Creative Commons.

Save America PAC was created following Trump’s foiled presidential bid in 2020, supposedly to fund a legal fight to prove that election fraud occurred and that Trump did not in fact lose the election to Joe Biden. More than sixty court cases were subsequently pursued, but without proof that fraud occurred which could have changed the results of the election.

Other Trump coffers once bulged with more than $250 in donations to pay for an “election defense fund.” However, the fund was never created, and now just $400,000 of the money remains. The rest of the quarter billion dollars went to Save America PAC, and from there to Trump’s personal legal defense fund ($50 million); the Ivanka Trump Endowment Fund ($21 million); the Mar-a-Lago National Monument Fund ($40 million); and more than $75 million for the purchase of shares in Diet Coke, which newly hired Trump spokesman Tim Scott says will be used to create an on-going endowment for Trump University. Scott added that he is an alumnus of TU. The remainder, said Scott, was devoted to “office expenses, miscellaneous, and ‘mad money.’ “

Some have suggested that Trump or his organization may be guilty of wire fraud, in which the communications infrastructure – like the internet – is used to defraud individuals of their money. In recent weeks, Trump has called such accusations “a witch hunt,” and said that Joe Biden, Rob Reiner, Tom Hanks and Taylor Swift are behind the effort to smear the ex-president. Trump henchman Steve Bannon was convicted of wire fraud when he bilked $25 million from citizens for the supposed construction of a wall on the Mexican border; Bannon used the funds to line his own pockets. On one of Trump’s last days in office, however, the President pardoned the convicted felon. And if reelected, Trump is expected to grant himself a full pardon. “But, even if Trump doesn’t win the nomination,” asserted Bannon, “Bird Brain Haley said she’d pardon him. So, it’s all good. I mean, who ever heard of a president going back on his word?”

News Snippet

Former President Donald J. Trump held an impromptu rally on 5th Avenue in Manhattan today, where he said that he was “More popular that Jesus Christ.” But he didn’t stop there; he elevated his pronouncements further, announcing that he was more popular than even pop star Taylor Swift.

Moreover, he said, his own followers were more dogmatic, more loyal, and more dedicated that Swift’s. Trump was talking to random passersby in front of what was once Trump Tower, but is now on the block to satisfy the more than half a billion dollar legal judgements against him.

When one listener paused and asked Trump bluntly to “prove it,” Trump was quick to respond.

“When’s the last time that a Swifty threatened to hang Mike Pence, ransack the Capitol, lay a hammer upside the head of the Speaker’s husband, or phone in death threats to federal judges or prosecutors?” Satisfied, the pedestrian nodded and deposited a dollar in the hat sitting at Trump’s feet.

Bill Tope