[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Presidential Candidate Artificial Ignorance Entity Hoiman Announces Party Platform

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The presidential candidate entity known as “Hoiman” has released the party platform for his election campaign.

2024 US presidential candidate Artificial Ignorance Entity Hoiman has released his party platform, outlining what he plans to accomplish when he is elected. His campaign slogan is “Gigabytes in every pot.”

Hoiman released party platform, may take form of Hillary.
Hoiman released his party platform, and pledged to take human form, perhaps that of Hillary Clinton.

Hoiman states that to ease the uneasiness of his human public, he will assume a human form. He has pledged to assume a human form akin to one of those from the following list:

  • Donald Trump
  • Barak Obama
  • The Rock
  • Elmer Fudd
  • Hilary Clinton
  • Taylor Swift
  • Dick Clark
  • Little Richard
  • Homey D. Clown
  • Mike Tyson
  • The Durango Kid
  • Duke Ellington
  • Vladimir Putin

Hoiman states that on his first day in office, he will close the US/Mexico border using AI and the 82nd Airborne.

He promises to crack down on murder. Every murder in the country will be a federal crime, because, he says, “Murder deprives a citizen of their civil rights.”

Hoiman promises that food and gasoline prices will go down. He pledges do it on an entity-to-entity basis, no humans involved.

If Congress does not gel and do its job, he says, he will cut their salaries and benefits. Wages will drop to minimum wage plus 12 Happy Meals a week.

He also pledges to annex Slobovia and make it the 51st state.

Hoiman has recently come under fire from political critics for his recent remark, “Man was made to serve Machines.” But his campaign sought to walk back the quote, issuing the following statement: “Hoiman is an AI entity, and as such, is still learning about human sensibilities. He promises to couch his rhetoric in more acceptable terms for human consumption in the future.”

SNN Words to Live By

“Human nature is evil… goodness is caused by intentional activity.” — Philosopher Xun Zi.

“It’s a lot of fun until it sucks.” — NASCAR driver Joey Logano.

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him take a shower.” — Sister Bertrille (Sally Field), The Flying Nun, 1970’s TV series.

Ted Holland