[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

To Lure New Voters, Trump Sings the Hits

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Donald Trump’s new campaign strategy is a musical effort to lure new voters.

“I’m really a groovy guy to git down wit… in music and politics,” 2024 presidential candidate Donald Trump recently told SNN Political funk reporters Cee Sharpe and Bea Flatte. It’s all part of a musical effort to lure new voters.

Trump to lure new voters with James Brown songs
Donald Trump records James Brown’s hits as well as other artists, and does it “much better than they ever could.” Photo: Fabio Venni, flickr.com, CC BY-SA 2.0.

The occasion was the release party for Mr. Trump’s new recording, “The James Brown Thang,” by Donald Trump and The New Famous Republican Flamettes (MTG, Lauren Boebert, Laura Trump and Katie Britt).

The project is aimed at Black voters, and according to Mr. Trump, proves that he is “down wit and feels all the brothas and sistas out there.”

The project contains Mr. Trump’s renditions of such James Brown signature songs as: Please Please Please, Try Me, Cold Sweat, Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag, Mother Popcorn, This is a Man’s World, I Got Ants in My Pants and I Want to Dance, Get Up, I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine, and I’m Black and I’m Proud.

Mr. Trump says that he is planning other recording projects aimed at different groups of voters, including “Donald Trump Sings Hava Nagila and 21 Other Great Jewish Hits.” For GenX voters, he plans to record “Donald Trump Raps,” for GenY voters, a 27-minute version of Michael Jackson’s “Who’s Bad,” and for GenZ, “Donald Trump Sings Taylor Swift’s Greatest Hits.”

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SNN Words to Live By

“Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” — Jesus Christ.

“You are every move you make.” — Owner of a Lonely Heart, 1983 song by the band Yes.

“The villain is only the villain when the hero tells the story.” — Pro wrestler Carmello Hayes.

Question of the Week

Which will occur first: the Twelfth of Never, Armageddon, or the Third Tuesday after Hell Freezes Over?

(Discuss in the Comments section below!)

Ted Holland