[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Already Acting Out as Hush Money Trial Convenes

The ex-president wasted no time in disturbing the proceedings at his infamous hush money trial.

Muttering under his breath and casting disgusted looks about the courtroom, former President Donald J. Trump put on a performance for onlookers at the jury selection process of his notorious “hush money trial” in New York on Monday.

hush money trial media
Media circus outside courtroom. Photo: SWinxy, CC BY-SA 4.0.

Trump was reprimanded by New York Supreme Court Justice Juan Merchan a number of times, for speaking out of turn, disturbing the proceedings and “creating a scene.”

At one point during the selection of jurors, Trump rose to his feet, pulled down his trousers and exposed himself. Prospective female jurors tittered and, rebuffed, Trump resumed he seat at the defense table.

At issue in the trial is Trump’s culpability in the falsification of business records incident to silencing porn star Stormy Daniels over her alleged affair with Trump in 2006. The ex-president faces 34 felony counts; conviction on just one count could put him in state prison for up to four years.

Said Trump outside the courtroom before trial began: “Stormy Daniels is a washed-up strumpet and was so in 2006; she’s not my type. She is,” he declared, “a single step up from Rosie Palm and her five daughters.” Trump denied the affair took place.

“This trial is a witch hunt,” he raged, “and an assault on America. E. Jean Carroll has nothing on what they’re doing to me!”

On a post on Trump’s media platform Truth Social, Trump pegged the gag order imposed by Justice Merchan as “Unconstitutional. I want my VOICE back,” said Trump. “This Crooked Judge has GAGGED me.”

“You want to talk about a gag order?” wrote Trump angrily. “Merchan, his lesbo daughter and this whole trial makes ME WANT TO GAG!”

Trump also posted that “As the once and always president, I enjoy FULL IMMUNITY from prosecution for ANYTHING!!! They are desperately trying to save Crooked Joe by interfering in the 2024 Presidential Election. Make America Great Again!”

Note: There are only six reporters allowed inside the courtroom during the Manhattan trial; the proceedings will not be televised. Among the members of the press permitted to attend the trial is revered Humor Times conservative Capitol correspondent Llib Epot, who was designated by Trump as the press secretary in Trump’s second administration.

The identities of the jurors are being withheld for reasons relating to the reason for the gag order. “But we know who they are,” revealed Trump, citing voice recognition technology as the source of his knowledge. “And they are all,” Trump said, “low IQ, dishonest Democrat Trump-haters!”

“Every legal scholar,” Trump boasted, “has said that this phony trial is a baseless witch hunt.” Trump was indicted for the alleged scheme in 2023, but the incident was first alleged in 2018. “If they’ve got a case,” Trump asked, “then why did they delay it for three years?”

Taking advantage of an audience eager for information, Trump strayed from his principal message about the Manhattan trial, which begins this morning, to address other hot topics of the day.

“Democrats want to execute babies,” he declared, and reiterated his pledge to pardon the Jan. 6 “hostages” who were charged, convicted and in some instances imprisoned for their role in the 2021 Capitol insurrection. Trump revealed his intention to draft “these patriots” into his proposed retinue of radical “Brownshirts,” who, under the direction of Reichfuhrer Steven Miller, will “work the streets” to combat the influence of BLM, the LGBTQ community and the Biden Crime Family.

Trump went on to commiserate with “The poor Russian soldiers,” who are suffering at the hands of Ukrainian Nazis in their “territorial dispute” with Ukraine. Finally, the 45the President of the United States alluded to his new “tough on crime initiative,” in which he inveighed against the “unnatural prohibitions against peculation, lying, thievery, and forcible rape.”

Returning to the courtroom after a potty break, Trump noted grimly, “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!”

Bill Tope
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