[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Slightly Future News: Trump Locked Up

Shocking breaking news today, one week in the future: Trump locked up for violating gag order!

Former President Donald J. Trump was sentenced to jail time on Monday, May 13, by New York Supreme Court Justice Juan Merchan, for violating his gag order for the 32nd time. Merchan had previously levied $1,000 fines for each of Trump’s previous 31 contempt citations for violating the order.

Trump locked up
Trump locked up. Image by Hillel Steinberg, flickr.com, CC BY-ND 2.0.

Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg, who heads the prosecution in the so-called “hush money case,” sought sanctions against the ex-president when Trump appeared on the steps of the Manhattan courthouse this morning and offered a “bounty” for the “elimination of the Deep State,” which Trump maintains is behind his prosecution.

“I don’t want anybody to be shot from a high-rise window or anything,” Trump told reporters, “but if they are, then I’ll pay the legal expenses for any patriot who is creditably accused of the crime.” He added that he is a great proponent of the Second Amendment, and then went on to belittle the families of Judge Merchan and D.A. Bragg, saying that they are “a boil on the neck of conservative Republicans.”

Trump attorney Todd Blanche spoke up at the contempt hearing and remarked that Merchan was “obtruding on my client’s First Amendment rights,” and that Trump was merely “fighting back against persecution by the Biden Crime Family.”

Merchan said that Trump would serve 45 minutes in the holding cell of the Manhattan courthouse today, which he said would take place over the lunch break. “Mr. Trump,” intoned the judge, addressing the defendant, “you are on shaky ground here. Keep trying my patience and I’ll really let you have it!”

Bill Tope
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