Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Weight Watchers going belly up, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Weight Watchers files for bankruptcy

They originally planned to file Chapter 11 but plateaued at Chapter 16.

Pope Leo XIV just took the top job in the Catholic Church — and the role comes with a $33,000-a-month paycheck

Not bad considering the gas mileage on the Popemobile.

Pittsburgh Pirates suspend employee after video shows him punching fan

… Amazing that someone with the Pirates could actually hit anything.

Trump’s Alcatraz announcement comes the morning after Clint Eastwood prison classic was on local TV

Good thing it wasn’t a Gilligan rerun or he’d go send people on a “three-hour tour, a three-hour tour.”

Three Chinese nationals arrested in Japan after thousands of protected hermit crabs found smuggled in suitcases

… Would’ve gotten away with it except for the smell from the suitcase filled with lemon butter sauce.

Father of crypto-millionaire rescued from kidnappers after finger cut off

Damn, now that’s new meaning to term “giving the finger.”

Putin’s Victory Day ceasefire comes into effect

A real gesture would involve shutting all the windows on upper skyscraper floors.

MAGA Laura Loomer meltdown over “Woke Marxist Pope”

… Woke Marxist Pope sounds like the opening act for “Jewish Space Lasers.”

Kermit the Frog turns 70

Look for his next movie, “The Muppets Take the Villages.”

Amazon warehouse worker stole $160,000 in electronics

… Would have gotten away with it too, if he hadn’t asked for the Prime shipping.

Marco Rubio now Secretary of State, National Archivist ,and NSA advisor

Now, that’s one child of immigrants taking all the jobs …

Climate Change report: Miami Beach may become completely flooded

On the upside, the shrimp will taste a tad fresher at those “Early Bird” buffets.

Kanye West walks out of interview with Piers Morgan after tense exchange

Can one root for both to walk off and never return?

Radar screens at Newark airport went black again overnight

… Countdown to people saying the screens are a DEI hire. Three, two …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)