Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that Canada turns 158, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Canada turns 158, the U.S. 249

Look out Canada! If Trump finds out, you know he’ll leave the U.S. for a younger country.

‘Jurassic World Rebirth’ 5 day opening roaring to $145+ million box office

Not saying the Jurassic Park films have been around a long time; but in the first one, the animals weren’t yet extinct.

Young people are having less sex

Apparently 23 isn’t the new 69.

Senate, House pass Big Beautiful Bill

Ironically, ‘the Big Beautiful Bill’ is usually what Trump calls the ones when he stiffs contractors.

Tom Brady is dating Sydney Sweeney

Well, she is old enough to babysit Belichick’s girlfriend.

Is there a parallel universe that’s moving backwards in time?

I believe the official scientific name for that is “Mississippi.”

Happy 60th Birthday to Chris Rock

Chris is getting close to next time he takes a punch, it’ll be covered by Medicare.

American track star suffers insane wardrobe malfunction as penis flops out mid-race!

… Sounds like it also was nuts.

This invasive parasite has infiltrated popular fishing spots in the U.S.

So, that’s what George Santos has been up to.

Elton John dumped his fiancée because ‘she didn’t really like my music’

The lead singer of Nickleback’s wife: That’s an option?!

Walmart ice cream sandwich doesn’t melt after 12 hours in the sun

The same can’t be said for Kimberly Guilfoyle and Lauren Sanchez.

11 things you should know about your musician friends

Number one: If they say they’re only crashing on the couch for one night, they’re lying.

NBA Star LeBron James wins in 6-figure battle over son Bronny’s alleged car crash

Good thing Bronny was driving, as everyone knows he can’t hit anything.

Talking to yourself, makes you way smarter

Sure does. Sure doesn’t. Sure does …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)