[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump to Place Statue of Hulk Hogan in Capitol Rotunda

Hulk Hogan, sculpted by a renowned American artist, will take his place among the nation’s political immortals.

Saying that he misses “the Hulkster” already, President Donald Trump said this morning that he had made retired wrestler Hulk Hogan, who died on July 24 at age 71, the deathbed promise of a Hogan statue in the Capitol rotunda.

Hulk Hogan
Hulk Hogan's likeness will join that of President James A. Garfield, who could write in Latin with one hand and Greek with the other simultaneously--without anabolic steroids. Wikimedia Commons

“The Capitol building is filled with sleazy Democrats already,” Trump said. “Placement of a real patriot who died from an overabundance of MAGA testosterone should bother no one.” 

Hogan (born Terry Gene Bollea in 1953) was born in Georgia and raised in Tampa, Florida. As a native of Georgia, he was a favorite of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.), who said that Hogan personally tutored her on delivering his patented “leg slam,” a movement she has used profitably both on and off the House floor. She credits ensnaring her third husband to the move.

The close personal relationship between the wrestler and the president goes back to WrestleMania IV in 1988, a World Wrestling Federation event held in Atlantic City, site of Trump gambling casinos.

Almost 40 years following the event, Hogan appeared at the Republican national convention on July 18, 2024, its final day. While on stage there, Hogan had some difficulty ripping a shirt from his shoulders, a signature move for decades. Doctors say that attenuation of musculature following years of anabolic steroid abuse had taken their toll on the once-proud athlete.

Trump’s relationship with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) and its forerunner WWF is a long one as well. In his second term as president, Trump appointed WWE CEO Vince McMahon’s wife, Linda McMahon, as Secretary of Education, a position for which critics said she was hopelessly unqualified.

Trump pointed to McMahon’s “stellar credentials.” McMahon has an associate’s degree from a junior college in Arkansas, where she majored in languages (Esperanto and Pig Latin) and made the dean’s list twice. The institution closed its doors in 1975.

Trump said he planned to host a “fight-off” between Dana White’s Ultimate Fighting Championship fighters and a cast of opponents drawn from “immigrant fighters now in custody.”

Trump said the safe odds were on the immigrants, who “are by far the dirtier fighters.” The fight-off will occur on the White House grounds as part of next year’s 250th birthday of the United States.

The statue of Hulk Hogan for the Capitol rotunda is being designed by controversial rapper-turned-sculptor Kanye West. In an appearance at Mar-a-Lago last week, West refused to be interviewed by non-Caucasian reporters.

“We peoples got to stick together,” West said.

West said that the medium he had chosen for Hogan’s likeness is “vegan bleached white chocolate.” The date of completion is as yet undetermined.

“It be ready when it effin’ be ready,” West said. “Dat’s all.”

Bill Tope
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