Biblical names don’t predominate as they once did, but a deeper, broader knowledge of Holy Writ will help you give your child the gift of lifelong distinctiveness.
As a member of Generation X, I’m pleased that people have become more flexible and creative in naming their children in the years since I was a kid. Still, I think we’ve lost something by reducing our reliance on traditional Biblical names, and I’d like to combine the two approaches by suggesting some of the more uncommon ones. Here are my top ten:
Anus: This name appears in the book of I Esdras, which is not included in Protestant Bibles, perhaps because of Martin Luther’s infamous constipation problem. Not a major character, Anus is mentioned only in passing.
Aholiab: Lends itself easily to nicknames and works well paired with Anus if you have male twins.
Blastus: I grew up with a kid who could break wind at will. Would you believe his parents named him Tommy? That was a missed opportunity for sure.
Booz: Sure to be a big man on campus.
Dorcas: A common name not too many years ago, it will guarantee your little girl a dignified passage through school and college.
Gezer: A bit of a stretch for a little boy, but give him time and he’ll grow into it.
Karkas: A boy grows into being a Gezer and proceeds toward becoming a Karkas. Think of him as a man of destiny.
Shechem: Suitable if you live among people who can’t take a joke.
Zipporah: In the Book of Exodus, chapter four, she circumcises Gershom with a flint knife and plays a weird game of tag with Moses and the foreskin. One might say Gershom got caught in his Zipporah. Any girl who takes this name to heart will be a laugh-riot on the playground.
Lot: Yep, just like me. Everybody remembers Lot for being married to the Bible character most likely to have read Town & Country with no sense of irony–and the ultimate salty gal–but he also set the ultimate example of Semitic hospitality by offering to let every man in Sodom violate his daughters if that would keep them from violating his two male guests. After he fled the city, the girls got their newly widowed dad drunk and had sex with him. A kid can’t fail in life with a name like “Lot.” He might even grow up to be a columnist for Humor Times.
If you study our nation’s history, particularly the Civil War, you realize what dignity this country has derived from people with good, solid Biblical names like Obadiah, Zebulun, Jemima, Abner, and Priscilla. We mustn’t allow the next civil war to be fought by people named Brandon and Brandi, and considering the current condition of our political discourse, time is of the essence.
Remember, Onan “spilled his seed upon the ground”–and his name didn’t make the list. You know what to do.
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