[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Celebrities: ‘Keep Trump on the Ballot!’

Certain celebrities are lobbying to keep Trump on the ballot, but mainly to keep the door open for themselves.

Celebrities past and present have come together to help former President Donald J. Trump fight efforts by individual states to knock the 45th president off the ballot in the 2024 election. These luminaries include Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron; world-famous singer/songwriter Taylor Swift; and the estate of the late musician/songwriter Freddy Mercury (Queen).

Freddy Mercury estate: keep Trump on the ballot.
Freddy Mercury’s wax figure displayed at Madame Tussauds, London. Photo: Denis Bourez, CC BY 2.0.

Already two states (Colorado and Maine) have removed Trump’s name from the ballots in their primary elections. The basis for his removal is Section 3 of the 14th Amendment to the United States Constitution, which — they say — renders ineligible for elective office any former elected official who participates in an insurrection. As proof, they cite the infamous Jan. 6 2021 regular tourist visit to the U.S. Capitol by peace-loving patriots, which they say Trump instigated.

Trump has cried foul, saying that the states should “let the voting process proceed.” The aforementioned celebrities agree that states should keep Trump on the ballot, and they wish to run for president as well, despite the Constitutional prohibitions standing in their way.

Charlize Theron, a native of Transvaal, S. Africa, believes she should, like Trump, be allowed on the ballot despite being foreign-born. Trump has commented that he welcomes Theron’s support, “even if she does come from a shit-hole country.” Theron’s saving grace, said Trump spokesman Steve Bannon, is that she is white. He remarked that she is also a potential VP running mate for Trump, who has almost certainly decided to “pick a chick.”

Taylor Swift, a renowned singer and songwriter, wants to run for president too, although she won’t yet be 35 at the time of the next election. “I’m a billionaire,” declared Swift, “so I think I should have the same rights as Trump.” Said Trump: “I am much richer than Taylor Swift,” though he did allow as how “she has a nice ass.”

And finally, there is Freddy Mercury, lead singer for the rock band Queen until his death from AIDS in 1991.

Like Theron, Mercury was born in Africa (Zanzibar, Tanzania). Mercury’s estate contends that, despite his passing away, Mercury remains remarkably popular and “anyway, the Constitution says nothing about the office being filled by a live person.” (FACT CHECK: this is a true statement).

Spokesperson lead guitarist Brian May remarked that all the presidents of the 21st century have been brain dead anyway. He would become Mercury’s Chief of Staff and assist a President Mercury with the swearing in ceremony, selection of a cabinet, and other official duties.

“Let the voters decide,” said May. A statement released by Mercury indicated that he would fill his cabinet with David Bowie, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and other deceased performers, because “they couldn’t do any worse than what we got.”

Bill Tope