One Party Rule for Democrats - Lot Hildegard, Humor Times

The Congressman said Democrats will soon achieve one-party rule and obtain an opposition that isn’t just figuratively lame and toothless.

Rep. L’Ocean MacCatheter III Jr. (D-N.J.) told a luncheon meeting yesterday in his hometown of Effluvia River that the Democratic Party will eventually be able to govern the U.S. with “one-party rule” because the opposition will self-destruct and become an underclass serving the triumphant Democrats.

MacCatheter, who leads the ultra-progressive Absolutely Insane Democratic Socialist (AIDS) caucus in the House of Representatives, urged fellow Democrats to resist their feelings of discouragement about last year’s election losses and the party’s current swoon in opinion polling.

“My friends, victory is already in sight, if we know where to look,” MacCatheter said. “When I behold the current hostility toward academia among Republicans, the idea that college is a waste of time and money and that every child should grow up to be a plumber, my heart swells at the thought of there being no more conservative teachers, professors, or lawyers.”

MacCatheter said the implications for the legal system are especially encouraging.

“Oh, Lord Jesus!” MacCatheter said. “Mine eyes have seen the glory of a Supreme Court forever free of conservative influence except in the maintenance of its toilets!”

The sixteen-term Congressman also urged his audience to take heart from the current conservative hostility toward vaccinations.

“I am just old enough to remember seeing people crippled and disfigured, their lives laid waste, by loathsome diseases that had been brought under control by the time I was born,” MacCatheter said. “In our time we shall see the resurgence of these plagues among our enemies, a tragedy to be sure, but one that will render them too stunted and feeble to oppose us.”

MacCather cautioned against federal programs to make medical care and health insurance overly generous.

“Once these people have ruined their own lives, they will blame the government and demand its assistance,” MacCatheter said. “The economy would not survive even the measures needed to cope with all the teeth that will rot out of everybody’s heads in conservative states and localities that see fluoride as a work of Satan.”

MacCatheter urged Democrats to temper triumph with compassion.

“Let us remember that our Savior enjoined us to love the unlovely,” MacCatheter said, “and we’re going to be seeing a hell of a lot of ‘em fixing our commodes, cutting our hair, and waxing not only our limousines but some of the more precious entities transported therein.”

MacCatheter said the party’s current travail will have been worthwhile if it results finally in a better world for his son, L’Ocean MacCatheter III III, and his grandson, L’Ocean MacCatheter III IV.

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Lot Hildegard

Lot Hildegard is a former educator, news editor and corporate ghostwriter who enjoys writing country music parodies and is trying to reinvent himself in retirement as a trad jazz vocalist and clarinetist.