Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about TikTok and foot baths, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

TikTok says a foot bath can help ease migraine attacks

Or, you can just turn off TikTok.

Corey Booker is engaged

… And, no, Tim Scott’s wife doesn’t have a sister.

475 people taken into ICE custody at Hyundai plant in Georgia

Look for this on Law and Order: SUV.

Trump casts doubt on Putin-Zelensky meeting

Or, on even knowing them … except, maybe, he once stood behind them in line for some coffee at a Starbucks in Boca.

Chris Evans has lost his Captain America biceps

Although, he can get them back the old-fashioned way … Photoshop.

US considers banning Iranians from shopping at Costco during UN meeting

Dad joke warning: ‘Ayatollah’ to bring your own toilet paper.

Hemp seed-eating village in China holds oldest, healthiest people in the world

The place is known as ShangVeryHai.

Why Steve Martin reintroduces himself to Selena Gomez in every text

Uh, he thinks she’s going Selinile?

Supreme Court’s Barrett says US not in constitutional crisis

Adding: What’s a constitution?

Julia Fox says she’s pansexual

… While, Bobby Flay is frying pansexual.

Robert Redford turns 89

Man, that’s gotta Sting.

RFK Jr wasn’t sworn in for Senate testimony

Appropriately, the committee chair should be known as Mike (Full of) Crapo.

Scooter Braun was ‘obsessed with’ Sydney Sweeney, ‘pursued’ her after Jeff Bezos wedding

Look for them to register at ‘Bed, Bath and Not Going To Last Beyond Four Months.’

US economy adds 22,000 jobs

… Would’ve been 21,999 but, y’know, the Head of Labor Statistics …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)