[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

GOP: Rise in Lesbians’ Numbers is Obama’s Fault

Republicans point to more lesbians as a sure sign of Obama-led moral decay

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point.

GOP: Rise in Lesbians' Numbers is Obama's FaultPutting up a woman to do a man’s job is a ploy the GOP is good at, and they didn’t disappoint this time either.

Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state delivered the counter-punch to the collective Obama gut after the President delivered his warmed-over speech about women’s rights, yadda, yadda, yadda…higher minimum wage…yadda, yadda, yadda…our commitment to our military…yadda, yadda, yadda… Actually, scorekeepers noted no less than 81 yadda’s in the speech.

The biggest surprise of the evening came from McMorris Rodgers herself, who claimed that under President Obama’s administration, more women than ever before have become lesbians. The reason, she said, is that women are finally catching on that men make more money than them, and are using the old adage “if you can’t beat ’em, join them” in an attempt to grab a bigger piece of the earnings pie in this country.

The Washington Gay-Lesbian Brotherhood admitted they supplied the information from their group to bring home the fact that their numbers, when it came to lesbian sign-ups, had more than tripled in the last two years, and they can show a direct correlation between those numbers and the Obama administration policies.

Victoria “Vic” Musselman, co-chairwoman of the WGLB and a successful HVAC technician, said that it is their belief that more and more women will seek to become lesbians due to the fact that there are more opportunities for lesbians in the trades, such as journeymen, electrical workers, and plumbers.

“And, women are naturally more easily trained in those professions,” she said.

Recanting her own tale of first being a housewife for 14 years, then being dumped by her husband “for some arm candy,” as she put it, Vic claims the only way she could finish raising their two high-school aged children and put them through college was to get a man’s job, and that is what she did.

“I went to ITT Technical School and became a licensed HVAC technician making bundles more than I ever could as a secretary or even a VP of a large corporation, and I’ve never looked back,” said a victorious Vic.

“And, like my husband, I met the woman of my dreams.”

While McMorris Rodgers admitted the GOP wants to make it perfectly clear they are not all that in favor of same sex marriage, they find it totally acceptable for women to go to whatever lengths necessary to raise their children, because, as the GOP sees it, the less women on the dole, the better off the country is.

When asked what he thought about this aspect of McMorris Rodgers’ speech in particular, the President was non-committal, but did say this,

“Well, sure, I don’t care. If women want to be lesbians, I can’t really stop them. And I would take that one step further. If men want to be gay, I say let them, but be prepared. If the GOP doesn’t help get a fair pay act out there for everyone, the men may want to reconsider.”

In other news, President Obama said he would not take responsibility for the winter storm that struck the deep south on Tuesday.

“Contrary to what the GOP would have you believe, I cannot be totally blamed for the winter storm that struck the southern half of the country immobilizing places like Birmingham and Atlanta overnight. I was preparing my speech. Otherwise, I would have taken measures to have the weather cooperate more fully, even if it meant using executive order to do so,” said a fully confident Obama.

P. Beckert