A re-imagined State of the Union address…
“Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States!”
[Applause, some eye-rolling, a few palpitating hearts]
“Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, fellow citizens:
Since that time, I’ve fanned the flames of the first, bullied my way with the second, and botched the third. Therefore, rather than try to outline my executive vision for the future, I thought I’d face the reality of my current ‘lame duck’ tenure by simply stating my 2014 wish list. Christmas was a little rough out in Hawaii; Santa was not kind to me. Socks and ties again.
For starters, I want to propose that all efforts be made to enable the Chicago Cubs to win a World Series again. I know I’m a big White Sox fan and was thrilled to see them win in 2005, but come on, folks! It’s been over a century since the Cubbies have won. Plus, I’m getting tired of Ricketts calling me on the red phone and whining about bad umpires and the heartbreak of ’84.
Next, I want to pull our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan completely. Not for political reasons. I just thought it might be cool to replace all of our current men and women of the Armed Forces with RoboCop soldiers. I saw the trailer for the Padilha version coming out in mid-February. It looks super-nifty and doable.
Naturally, no white collar version of the fictional OmniCorp will make the RoboCop soldiers. We should let the government take over this function too. Maybe we should call it the Affordable Cop Act or something catchy like that. Hopefully, the name won’t devolve into derivations like ‘Obamacop’ or ‘Robama’.
I want to forget about eating healthier too. Sorry, Michelle, my love. But if I have to eat one more veggie-dog with sprouts, I may invade Canada. I propose we all embrace the Texas method of cooking. If it once walked on four legs, BBQ it. A sprig of parsley sitting next to what was just barbequed should now qualify as a salad.
Trying to quit smoking has been a real struggle. But I think I can do this with the patch, chewing gum, and 100 stomach crunches every time I feel myself wanting to relapse. Those cigs will kill ya’. So, in the spirit of moving on, I’ve decided to allow pot at the White House. Many of my supporters live in Colorado or as I like to call it, ‘Doobieland’. Since pot is now legal in Colorado, I think I’ll be making several more fundraising support trips there before my second term is over.
I don’t know why we don’t have a decent nine-hole golf course on the White House grounds. Look at all of this unused grass everywhere. Nothing over a par two, mind you. But I’d love to slip out of the Oval Office at lunch time and get in a quick nine holes before my daily ‘blame conference’ with the press corps. There are plenty of trees and the fountains could be water hazards. At least think about it for the budget proposal for next year.
Finally, truth be told, while I’ll never stop supporting my landmark Affordable Care Act, I did have a small setback of my own with regard to my health coverage. Most presidents over the years have had their health needs taken care of by the Chief White House Physician. But I wanted to set an example so I declined this presidential perk and signed up for Obamacare. Ha! There, I said it. Obamacare! Take that!
Unfortunately, I didn’t get the doctor I thought I would. I had strep throat the other day so I ended up having the Secret Service drive me over to the emergency room at George Washington University Hospital. It was a busy night so I had to wait a couple of hours before getting to see a nurse practitioner.
While I waited, the homeless lady next me kept coughing in my direction. I gave her my monogrammed handkerchief, but she kept forgetting to use it. Nice lady though, and I did manage to get all of her puke off of my shoe before I was finally let into the back room to be treated.
Well, that’s about it.
Oh, one more little thing. It’s about Bo, our dog. I would really rather have a cat. Don’t ask what that mutt did back in 2009 in the Oval Office under the Resolute desk. Whew! I’d even take a bird or nice lizard.
That’s it. Let’s make this a great one-party-dominated, no-compromising year of action.
God bless America and goodnight!”