[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

College Feminists Demand ‘George Will Rape Center’

Demand follows columnist George Will’s sharp-eyed observation that sexual victimhood is “a coveted status that confers privileges.”

College feminists are up in arms nationally demanding campus “rape-service centers,” so that female students can quickly achieve the status of victimhood and all its privileges. Their demand follows columnist George Will’s sharp-eyed observation in last Sunday’s Washington Times that sexual victimhood on today’s campuses is “a coveted status that confers privileges.”

George Will
George Will, explaining his alleged “thought” process.

“It’s not fair that ‘gropees,’ as we call them, should get all the coveted statuses and privileges,” said an anonymous and genderless spokesthing at a state university. It explained that a “gropee” is a female student who has been groped, especially by a horny male professor. As soon as this is made public the gropee becomes the central figure in numerous private anecdotes and other sought-after honors. Some students even transfer to other colleges, they feel so privileged.

“Our new George Will RSC provides a wonderful smorgasbord of abusive and humiliating sexual experiences,” said the spokesthing, showing me around a large trailer in a back parking lot. Sounds of muted sobbing and dry heaves came from within. “We’re always busy,” he/she/it said.

The service is staffed by volunteer university men known as Georges, several of whom were in evidence smoking funny cigarettes and reluctantly watching online pornography as part of their training. “It’s a dirty job but someone has to do it,” explained the spokesthing. “Luckily there are a number of concerned and liberated men who are willing to help us out.”

Plans for a permanent George Will center include, in ascending order of nausea, a heavy breathing booth (halitosis extra), the Hugh Grant Wolf Whistles Auditorium, a “leers and sneers” lineup, repeated verbal sexual harassment by random fraternity men, two full hours of disgusting and demeaning sexual jokes, anonymous unwanted squeezings and fingerings in a dim room, and of course the rape experience itself (gangbangs extra).

“After that, the only worse thing is a face-to-face with George Will himself,” said the spokesthing, adding that his stifling air of white male hypocrisy was almost more than anyone could bear. So far as it knew, only one woman had actually met him, and she was unable to stop throwing up for a week.

Michael Egan