[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Pope v. Pope: The Hats Are Off

Divine intervention may be needed to help Popes heal rift caused by World Cup rivalry

Argentina and Germany both have a pontiff present in the Vatican, a fact that has caused palpable tensions between Francis and Benedict after the recent World Cup final. As the nail biting climax arrived, guttural cheering and jeering could be heard from within the thick stone walls of the Vatican.

pope v popeWith Argentina hoping for a blessing from their countryman Pope Francis, a keen kickboxer and Boardwalk Empire fan, they were left in nothing but tears as Mario Gotze kicked the winning goal.

Before becoming archbishop of Buenos Aires and being elected head of the Roman Catholic Church last year, Francis was a poster boy for Buenos Aires Bangers, a soccer hooligan gang.

However, Germany’s presence within the holiest house in the world, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, proved to be instrumental. The Bavaria native, a place famous for its beer and soft porn, quit his job as a barista, instead opting for a more saintly life. Benedict now lives a life of prayer and privacy in a former convent within the Vatican City State, only venturing out on Thursday nights for a quick game of poker with some friends.

This rivalry has shaken the walls of the Vatican in a profound manner. “The hats are off, Pope vs. Pope,” was the headline used by Ansa, the country’s national news agency.

“Pope Benedict watched the game with great interest, he even replaced The Seventh Heaven theme tune on his cell with his country’s national anthem,” said Father Federico Lombardi — hardly a bold move for an octogenarian whose interests extend to online gaming, NFL and playing Billy Joel inspired tunes on the piano.

Pope Francis, his new nemesis, is a lifelong fan of San Lorenzo FC in Buenos Aires, and was kitted out in the full Argentina kit, Rev Lombardi said. In an even stranger turn, this past Wednesday saw Francis walk to Tai Chi instead of taking the popemobile. When asked why, the Argentine pointed to the Mercedes-Benz symbol.

The German automobile company has manufactured the popemobile for quite some time, and Rev. Lombardi remarked, “We do not know what to do, he simply refuses to sit in, he refuses to consider anything German, he says he will only take Argentina’s most popular mode of transport.”

The Vatican today confirmed that a donkey is being sourced to meet the transportation desires of Francis.

John Glynn