[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

“El Disastro”: The True Story of Fidel Castro

Fidel Castro “could make Lance Armstrong look honest”

As Russian President Vladimir Putin was touching down in Cuba to inspect the strip clubs and pick up some cigars, Juan Reinaldo Sánchez, Fidel Castro’s former bodyguard, was launching his book detailing the Cuban dictator’s lavish lifestyle. El Disastro portrays the iconic figure as a practiced charlatan, a hypocrite of the highest order.

fidel castro“He made it clear to us that Cuban politics was his only interest, he professed the virtues of living in simplicity; he detested the bourgeoisie notion of vacation,” Sánchez says. “However, Castro lied. He lied like no other, only he could make Lance Armstrong look honest.”

In his book, the bodyguard reveals that he regularly caught Fidel Castro playing his Atari and watching Kojak.

“The man had numerous luxury homes, sports cars galore, even his pet rabbit, Fernando, wore a Gucci diaper. Fidel lived a luxury that most Cubans can’t even imagine, he had a different woman in the morning, a different one in the afternoon, and a different one in the evening. The man was insatiable, I often heard him screaming ‘Who loves ya, baby?'” writes Sánchez.

In the tell-all affair, we find out that Fidel Castro owned an 88 foot yacht named Savalas, in honor of the Kojak star, which was powered by four torpedo boat motors. In fact, these motors were a belated birthday gift from ex Soviet president, Leonid Brezhnev. Sánchez notes, “Fidel was expecting cufflinks, perhaps even a nice bottle of wine, so the four torpedo motors blew him away.”

Castro’s flaunting of excessive wealth is constantly outlined, with the ex bodyguard telling us that Fidel kept a lagoon with dolphins and turtles for his own entertainment. Sánchez points out that whenever Castro was intoxicated, “he would regularly hop in the lagoon and wrestle the dolphin, it was terrifying.”

A riveting read, El Disastro will leave you lost for words.