[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Rudy Giuliani Defends NYPD ‘Culling’ Black Children

“Take them out now before they turn into thugs selling loosies!” – Giuliani

Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani today defended the gunning down of black inner-city children by white policemen. It was, he said, “Simply a culling operation, like park rangers thinning out a dangerous herd.”

Rudy GiulianiInterviewed by Sean Inanity on Fox, Giuliani referred to several recent cases where young black boys were shot on sight by white police officers. He explained however that this was nothing more than “getting ahead of the game,” adding wittily: “You could call it taking a bite out of time.”

Almost all young urban blacks, Giuliani explained, are on the same fast track to becoming murderers, criminals, pimps and loosie sellers. “It’s inevitable, given the conditions they live in,” he said.

However, Giuliani believes the solution is simple: “Take ’em out, and the earlier the better.” He then introduced what he called his Pre-emptive In-Street Security Offensive (PISSOFF), which, he claimed, “would eliminate all street crime within ten years.”

He called on current NYC mayor Bill de Blasio to implement PISSOFF immediately.

“Preventive In-Street Security is simply anticipatory crime fighting,” Giuliani said. “It is designed to prevent law-breaking before it happens, indeed before it even occurs to the little blackguards to think of breaking the law.”

In many cases, he said, killing baby criminals would prevent them from breaking the law before they even knew it existed. Besides, they’re easier to kill when small.

“Taking out these little thugs sooner rather than later is just the Bush doctrine of pre-emptive war applied at home,” Giuliani pointed out, “and likely to be just as successful.”

He cited the Iraq war as an example of what could be accomplished, noting as further parallels that no WIDS (Weapons of Individual Destruction) have been discovered on any of the dead victims, and that all the attacks by police were unprovoked. “Just like shock and awe,” he said.

Giuliani went on: “The odds are overwhelming that these little criminals in training will some day grow up to be Wal-Mart customers and even purchase fake Samurai swords.

“A lot of them will hang around the toy aisles, hold bananas in their hands, take off their seat belts when entering a filling station, walk in the streets with their hands in their pockets, sit in parks, descend darkened stair wells and park in their own driveways. Some might even lunge or stumble when hit by police bullets.”

Inanity said that America’s bleeding-heart liberals thought that rather than culling black kids it might be more effective to invest in their education, job training programs, affordable health care and city-wide infrastructure repairs.

After the two men finished laughing, Giuliani noted that a further advantage of shooting black boys while they were really young was that their parents would have had less time to get attached to them.

“So they’ll forget ’em more easily,” he said, adding: “People forget. Did you know I was the mayor of New York when 9/11 happened?”

Michael Egan