[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Dick Cheney: ‘I Never Shot Anyone in the Face’

Cheney says the new report’s pictures and documents are ‘a load of crap.’

New York — Former vice president Dick Cheney said today that a new report about a hunting incident eight years ago, when he allegedly shot lawyer Harry Whittington in the face, was “hooey” and “a load of crap.”

Dick CheneyAccording to a new New York Times report, Cheney was a member of a quail-hunting party at the Armstrong ranch in Texas in February 2006. At one point he fired his shotgun “without realizing that fellow hunter Harry Whittington was on the opposite end of the barrel.”

Had he died, Cheney could have been indicted for second-degree murder.

At the time, Cheney demanded and accepted expressions of remorse from the victim, while issuing none himself.

Confronted with the Times report and its irrefutable data, including the verbatim testimony of everyone who was there, Cheney repeated that in his opinion everything it contained was “hooey” and “crap.”

“First of all, I reject the word ‘shot’,” he said. “It was simply an enhanced mosquito-swatting protection activity. The mosquitoes in Texas are something terrible.

“The CYA, I mean the CIA, calls it bug terrorism, domestic insectocide. Colin Powell has undeniable evidence in a vial that one of these deadly virae was on both or either of the 9/11 planes.

“Secondly, Whittington brought it on—did it to—himself, as his apology from hospital made clear.”

Describing the now disfigured attorney as “an obsequious flunky,” Cheney quoted him, speaking through his bandages: “My family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through.”

“So it’s clearly not my fault,” Cheney continued in his distinctively Darth Vaderian hiss.

“And while it’s true that I was the guy who pulled the trigger that fired the round that hit Harry, it was after all only a little part of me.”

He wiggled his right forefinger like a detumescent willy. “Besides, it was acting on its own, without proper authorization. I mean, one finger among ten, that’s not bad. Bush gave his middle finger repeatedly to America for eight years and nobody’s complaining about that.”

Cheney leaned forward confidentially. “I never shot anyone in the face,” he repeated. “And if I had to do it again, I would.”

Michael Egan