[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

‘Je Suis Frostie’ Movement Burgeons After Muslim Cleric Bans Snowmen

Three million gather on Boston Common to build snowmen giving Mecca the finger

BOSTON — Families throughout New England yesterday defiantly posted “Je Suis Frostie” signs in their windows and on the snowmen in their front and back yards, following an anti-snowmen fatwa issued by a Saudi Arabian imam, Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid.

snowmenThe “Je Suis Frostie” movement blew up spontaneously after the imam condemned snowmen as “anti-Islamic.”

The Koranic sage explained: “It is not permitted to make a statue out of snow, even by way of play and fun. Especially not then.” (Actually he didn’t say that last part, but it was clearly understood.)

Sheikh Mohammed went on to rule that anybody caught performing such obscene and horrific acts should be pelted into submission with snowballs “ripped mercilessly” from the snowmen.

As a further punishment — Allah had personally assured him of this — male offenders would be given only one used virgin in the afterlife. Female offenders would be that virgin. “And that’s snow joke,” he added, grinning.

But in Maine, Vermont and Massachusetts, a wave of angry opposition has brought families and householders into their front and back yards again, with fresh supplies of carrots, coals, top hats and hideous Christmas scarves not even the stores would take back.

Radio and TV stations are playing “Frosty the Snowman” nonstop. The song is heard constantly everywhere, interspersed with recorded messages from the New England Mayors Association advising anyone who doesn’t like snowmen or songs about snowmen, “to better hightail it outa town before the citizenry come for you with a rail and some tar. This is a public service announcement.”

On Boston Common, three million demonstrators built a gigantic Frosty the Snowman with its middle finger cocked towards Mecca. Reports from the scene say that there is nothing quite as terrifying as “Je Suis Frostie” chanted in a “Hahvahd Yahd” accent.

At the nearby places of worship of a well-known religion, which cannot be identified for reasons of editorial cowardice, cries of “[Name of God], be merciful!” greet each new broadcast round of “Frosty the Snowman.”

Heard mainly in its familiar Gene Autry version, the song’s pervasiveness has been likened to the cries of muezzins and defended on the same religious grounds by the owners of Hobby Lobby.

UPDATE: Humor Times correspondent Rumple Foreskin reports from Boston that the “Je Suis Frostie” crisis appears to have been resolved, following conference-call negotiations between the city and Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid.

“Oh, very well, then, have your abominable snowmen,” the imam apparently conceded, lifting the fatwa. “Just make sure your snow women are properly covered.”

The cleric did, however, proceed to ban this “blasphemous snowman” video:

Michael Egan