[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Woman Claims to Have Never Been Raped by Bill Cosby

‘These baseless charges are highly unlikely,’ says Bill Cosby historian

NEW YORK — In a 1500-word op-ed published in the New York Times today, Jackie Stelnick, a New York socialite and five-year acquaintance of Bill Cosby, claims to have never been sexually assaulted by the 86-year-old comedian.

Bill Cosby
“Next time I’ll grab her, like this.” — Bill Cosby.

“Despite having been in his presence at least twice over the past five years, for some reason I was never raped, molested or even drugged by Bill Cosby,” wrote Stelnick.

Multiple sources have confirmed that Stelnick is young, attractive and indeed a member of the female sex, which only makes her assertions all the more surprising.

“We’re currently in the process of contacting Mr. Cosby and his lawyers in order to corroborate Ms. Stelnick’s fantastic story, and to learn how this could have possibly happened,” said New York State’s Attorney Jim Weiss.

At press time, Stelnick had received 3 texts from Bill Cosby asking to discuss things over a glass of wine at his place.