[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Gov’t Developing Unique Tactics to Tackle Hacking Issue

DHS to use ‘acronym-talk’ to prevent further hacking attempts

This past week, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced that hacking, or breach of security (BS), occurred in at least two United States government (USG) offices, that of the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) and Department of the Interior (DI), whereby personal information of millions of governmental employees was stolen by foreign hackers, possibly from China (C). Officials were proud to announce that they finally had a breach they were confident was not done by an employee.

hacking, anonymous
Hacking prevention takes top priority for government.

Government employees may have been targets in recent hacking attacks, and their private information may have been compromised. The said DHS it wants to assure workers that this was a one-time occurrence, and announced Friday that the US government is taking serious steps to contain the breach.

Previous efforts, including removal of post-its containing passwords from keyboards, had only proven minimally effective.

Dubbed the “Plan Stan (PS),” DHS has come up with a strategy to use only acronyms to discuss the breach, in hopes of confusing future hackers. In addition, every governmental employee from the President right down to the guy who shines his shoes will be known only by their initials, in hopes of frustrating future hackers from trying to figure out if BHO stands for Barack Hussein Obama, or Barry Harry Owens, or any number of other BHO employees. All Social Security numbers will be scrubbed from the system and workers will be paid one salary across the board.

“We have been wanting to pare down the system to a more simplistic way to run things for a long time now, and these hackers have given us that opportunity. We’re taking preprinted checks to the next level showing that large agencies can quickly adapt to hacking threats,” said a DHS spokesperson, known for his “glass half-full” attitude.

“No longer will we have to spend countless hours figuring out who gets what salary because everyone will be getting the exact same amount, with the exception of BHO(P) and JRB(VP).” Upon hearing the news, it is reported that Barry Harry Owens and other employees with the initials BHO and JRB were anticipating a huge raise, due to there being a 1 in 10 chance the government employees in charge of payroll could care less as to which BHO gets which salary.

As was expected, some governmental employees did not see this as a viable way to fix the problem, while others hailed it as a fix to what had been a sticking point for them for years now. The Union of Governmental Employees (UGE) hailed the change as a welcome one. The Office of Paying Employees their Salaries (OPES) is behind the change 100% as it has become increasingly difficult to figure taxes and deductions due to new Internal Revenue Service (IRS) guidelines. The Office of Senate Reform (OSR) are planning a vote on the measure next week to make lawmakers exempt from the new plan.

A new department will be formed as part of the hastily passed Confidential Health Exchange (CHE) law, with direct oversight of information of New Employees Yet-to-be-named (NEY), that will ensure proper information scrubbing in their first year, if necessary.

Using software written by Southern University (SU), along with Chinese military vendor Central Knowledge Systems (CKS), future hacking breaches should be limited to only hourly workers and lower class military personnel.

Meanwhile, in related news, the National Security Council (NSC) has announced that the government has assembled a group of approximately twenty 13-year olds who are known around the country as being some of the best young computer minds in the world. Dubbed the “Mini-Me’s,” or “MMs,” these computer geniuses are reportedly being trained by past members of the hactivist group Anonymous (under protest), who are currently being held in US jails for cyber crimes of their own.

Being fed a diet of power drinks, candy, and grilled cheese sandwiches, the MMs have been working around the clock to thwart any further attacks on the government from outside sources. Passing themselves off as trolls, the MMs hope to get inside the head of fellow hactivists and thereby eventually “face off” (FO) with any cyber-terrorist group (CTG). It is not known yet what effect this cyber-warfare (CWF) has on the psyche of a 13-year old, but the Office of Federal Psychiatry (OFS) is monitoring the program closely.

Ed Note: While it was not intentional, it has been brought to our attention that by stringing the acronyms of governmental agencies together in a comprehensible manner, it could possibly spell out the directives of the CIA operative plans in Syria, or other timely messages.

Mike Kelly