[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Spider-Man and White Supremacy

A conspiracy theorist weighs in on the racist-ness of Spider-Man

“Unlike Batman and Superman, Spider-Man is fake. He doesn’t exist. Not only that, but his adventures are fiction, and his so called powers are not just improbable, they are scientifically impossible.” — Dr. Joye Jeffries Pugh.

spider-manAn alumna of South Georgia College, Valdosta State College and Nova University, the famous conspiracy theorist’s complete biographical history is featured in Who’s Who in the World, Who’s Who in America, Who’s Who in American Women, Who’s Who in the South and Southwest, Who’s Who in American Education, Who’s Who in Georgia, and Who Really Gives a Shit?

A descendant of Dr. John Taliaferro, a drummer boy who fought and occasionally played the drums during the American Revolution. Dr. Joye latest book, “Spider-Man: Peter Parker couldn’t pick a peck of pickled dog shit,” is causing quite a stir.

“You know, he’s been portrayed by Tobey Maguire, the man you call after Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Ryan Gosling, Jake Gyllenhaal and Joaquin Phoenix all turn down a role. More recently, Garfield, Andrew, that is, not the cat, also donned the Spidey costume. Why, though, is he always played by white guys on the big screen? I’ll tell you why, because that’s the way Sony and Marvel want it,” said Dr. Joye.

When asked to explain the logic behind such a claim, she said, “A licensing agreement between Sony and Marvel exists. The racist Goliaths share the rights to the Spider-Man character, and a catalog of “Compulsory Character Traits” exist. Hilariously, Peter Parker, Spider-Man’s alter ego, must legally abide by these.”

She then went on to mention some of the character traits: “I am reading a leaked version of the contract. Peter Parker must be a bumbling, mumbling geek, he must come from Queens, he must be middle-class, he must drink coffee, he must not be gay, trans, or bisexual, nor can he befriend anybody with ‘abnormal sexual proclivities.’ And, most importantly of all, Peter Parker must be white, as we don’t need extra attention from the police.”

Dr. Joye then discussed the lack of diversity in the world of comics and their adaptations, “Only Venom, one of Spider-Man’s archenemies, can be black. Why? Because, you know, he’s a bad egg. This contract may as well have been drafted by Donald Trump, Rush Limbaugh or some Fox News representative, it’s disgusting. Cast your minds back to 2010, this was the year Andrew Garfield was rumored to replace Maguire. People took to Twitter and other social media outlets, many of them suggesting non-white actors for the role, including Denzel Washington and Morgan Freeman. The latter expressed his interest and was behind the trending hashtag #Free-Man.”

Three years on from the controversy, Garfield openly questioned why a man couldn’t play Mary Jane, the superhero’s love interest, even suggesting Forest Whitaker for the role. “What if Mary is actually a guy?’ Why can’t Peter explore different sexual avenues? Imagine Spidey and Forest bumping and grinding, it would be like a surreal version of Brokeback Mountain.” he told Entertainment Weekly.

According to Dr. Joye, “Spidey could be anyone, quite literally. Black, transgender, obese, even a circus midget, it doesn’t really matter. After all, as long as he dresses up in spandex and shoots those pathetic webs, who really gives a crap about skin colour?”

John Glynn