Trumpenstein: The Horror Republicans Created Now Threatens to Destroy Them

Republicans regret their creation, and plot to destroy it, before it’s too late.

A Rathskeller deep in the forested woods. Night has drawn its blackest curtain across the outer world, blocking out even the niggardly light from the stars. Rain hammers against the windows and lightning cackles in the air.

Republicans, donald trump piñata
Donald Trump piñata, by Piñateria Ramirez.

A troupe of men with faces that seek the shadows meet in a corner booth away from the gazes of the other inn patrons. They speak in cautious whispers that they wish no other ears to intrude upon:

“Tis a monster we have created! Woe is us!” said the cherubic one sitting deepest in the corner.

“Silence Rove! Let not your spine turn to jelly now! We need to drive a stake into this demon’s heart!” spit out the carrot skinned one.

“A stake is for vampires!” implored the rabbity one, wiggling his nose like one. “What use we against a monster of our own creating, Boehner?”

“First of all we must keep our minds solid to our nerves and not let fear drive us to despair. True, we have created the Beast, McConnell, but we too can destroy it!”

“How, Lord Boehner? It has gone beyond our plans for it. It has grown strong enough not to need us and even now begins to devour even the boldest amongst us!” whined McConnell.

“We must harden our guts and sharpen our resolve, gentlemen. Although It is assembled of the tissue of our many strengths and doctrines of the Republican clan, it too has the weakness of human blood, human foible and human vanity running through it. We surely can weld a blade that can slice through Its thick skin to the quick. What say you, Lord Rand Paul, ye of the most creative mind?”

The glowing of his eyes could be seen by all even in the dim light of the corner. “Yes, we must rend apart that which we have so painstakingly assembled. We composed the Beast of the many skins of our creed and made him strong in the ways of the Right. But now he has turned too strong and begins to tear apart those of us who dare oppose him. He must be brought down.”

“And how so, Brother Paul?”

The luminescent eyes closed for a smattering of seconds, then reopened fully with a gleam of evil intent in them. “We will get him at his greatest vulnerability, his ego. We will publish his correspondence with Hillary and Bill Clinton making him look like a liberal lover. We will make him look like a sleazebag from his various affairs. We will make him look like a communist for marrying a Czech woman during the Communist era. But best of all we will make him look like a loser, the thing he hates most in life. We will show the failures of his many businesses, of his divorces, of his low TV show ratings. We will expose just how much his Atlantic city casinos are floundering. And to top it all off, we will expose how the Rogain never helped his head at all.”

Rove gasped, “Brother Paul, that exceeds even the sliminess that I am capable of. Brilliant! Let us enact these covert operations immediately!” An “Amen!” exudes from all assembled.

“Then, Brothers, let us link hands and declare our allegiance to each other in this time of great danger. (They place their outstretched hands one atop another in a circle) All for one and one for all! Let the destruction of the Monster be our call! Not since the coming of the Anti-Christ Obama have we faced such a foe! Not since the Second Coming of the Dark One have we endured such woe!”

“Aye!” say they all in hearty unison.

“Let us then be on the way to our separate duties, Brethren. And let all these duties unite in the annihilation of the Beast.”

“Amen.” called the last chorus as they all went their separate, dark, sinister ways into the night.

Roger Freed