Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/8/16

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ripping the Headlines Today

Potential jurors say they’re uncomfortable with Hulk Hogan sex tape

Yeah, I hear one hit theirself in the head with a chair not to have to watch.

GOP leaders reportedly want John Kasich to drop out of the race ASAP

Kasich was as surprised as anyone that anybody thought he was still in it.

Jodie Sweetin officially joins ‘Dancing With The Stars’ as ‘Fuller House’ gets renewed

I’m pretty sure those are 2 of the 3 signs that we’re at the ‘End of Times.’

Bill O’Reilly lost custody of his kids

Sean Hannity’s kids must be so jealous.

Mitt Romney rips into Donald Trump

It’s like your sober uncle lecturing your drunk uncle.

A syphilis outbreak is plaguing Las Vegas

Hey, you play the slots you take your chances.

Ben Carson says he sees no path to the White House

Well, except standing in line to take a White House tour.

Pornhub: Adult film website releases map of most-searched terms by state

‘Lesbian’ won in California, ‘MILF’ in Rhode Island and ‘Brother/Sister’ in Arkansas.

Ted Cruz has big Super Saturday primary day

He took home victories in Kansas, Maine and Manitoba.

6 New Jersey newspapers call for Chris Christie to resign

Look for Christie to request that he be named a disaster area by Obama and be eligible for aid from FEMA.

An audio was released from the Mariana Trench, the lowest place on earth…

It was of Lindsey Lohan discussing her career.

Osama Bin Laden worried one of his wives had a tracking device in her tooth

Well, 9 out of 10 terrorist dentists do recommend…

Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall tie the knot

A judge pronounced them ‘man and what the f&%$ are you thinking.’

Nikki Haley response to Trump attack: ‘Bless your heart’

Man, Donald Trump is burning bridges even faster than Chris Christie could shut them down.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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