[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

How Donald Trump, Short-Fingered Vulgarian and Statesman, Spends His Sundays

In an exclusive interview with the Humor Times, Trump divulged his regular Sunday routine. For your edification, we list it here.

I’M A LUMBERJACK First thing off when I wake up is to check the morning-wood situation. Tremendous — I can assure you. Never fails. Ivanka had a nickname for it — and it sure as hell wasn’t “little Donald.”

donald trump, donkey hotey
Donald Trump, by Donkey Hotey, flickr.com.

BONING UP ON HISTORY Been reading about the lives of presidents — tremendous. Knowledge is power. Warren Harding was part Negro. James Buchanan was a fag. LBJ used to take a shit in front of his staff. You can learn a lot from books.

LEGAL EAGLES Sunday’s when I meet up with my Jewish lawyers. And that’s a compliment — the best lawyers are Jews. Tremendous. Gotta protect Mr. Trump’s brand. Just found out there’s some kind of French perfume called “Trump L’oeil.” We’re going to be all over them — see you in court, Pepé Le Pew!

THE SLANT ON LUNCH Chinese food for lunch: always. Love it. Did you know Obama’s father worked as an illegal in a Chinese restaurant back in the 1960s? Whenever I go for lunch I order “flied lice.” The waiters love it — big laughs all around. Remember Hawaii Five-0? “Chin Yu” starring as “Ho Chong” or something? I mean, what the fuck was that?

AFTERNOON DELIGHT Afternoon I take care of business in the bedroom, not the boardroom — know what I mean? They say JFK used to ball three, four times a day. Fantastic. Bill Clinton too. Can you blame him? A wife who looks like Hillary? I’d rather screw Eleanor Roosevelt.

NIGHT LIFE Evening’s when I bone up on international affairs — and believe you me, have I had some international affairs! Been talking to Henry Kissinger. Jewish guy. Smart as hell. Screwed Ali McGraw back in the day. Says Putin’s a closet fag.


Richard Klin