Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/2/16

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today, snoopy, woodstock

Pics show just how crazy Woodstock really was

I’m guessing that’s the concert, not Snoopy’s bird friend.

Europe: Dinosaurs left continent during early Cretaceous Period, study finds

Citing the French rudeness as the primary reason.

Meth lab bust ends in arrest of McCain fundraiser

On the upside, it shows some Republicans are into science.

Bernie’s road to White House just got tougher

It now includes buying a ticket and waiting on line…

Cruz picks Fiorina to run as his VP

The announcement was made from a call center in Mumbai.

Boehner unleashed: Ex-speaker calls Cruz ‘Lucifer’

Lucifer pissed at comparison.

Entire building full of Isis cash destroyed – GOP is completely silent

In fairness, it may be a moment of silence for their love of cash.

Founder of K-Tel Records, Philip Kives, dies at 87

At his funeral, visitors were seated by whether they were born in the 60s, 70s, 80s, or 90s.

North Korea: President Obama rejects nuclear offer after country launches missile from submarine

Or, as some parts of the U.S call it ‘a hoagie.’

Trump is calling John Kasich ‘1 for 43 Kasich’

Which either refers to Kasich’s showing in the primaries or he’s been batting cleanup for the Padres.

Scientists discover large coral reef at mouth of Amazon

Not to be confused with a chubby Jimmy Buffett follower known as a Large Coral Reefer.

Japan’s X-2 stealth fighter has test flight

Or, so they say.

House names Bison national animal

Interesting, coming from a place usually known for its bull.

The Latest: Bobby Knight says Trump has the ‘guts’ to use A-Bomb

Knight saying Trump has the guts to drop an A-Bomb, caused the rest of us to drop a few F-Bombs.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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  • I enjoyed these, especially the one about the founder of K-Tel Records. Strangely enough, I never thought he would reach 87. I always pictured him dying at 78 (or 45, or possibly 33 1⁄3).