[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Lucifer, in the Flesh, Welcomes Comparison to Cruz

Satanic Council defiantly embraces Ted Cruz: ‘The miserable son of a bitch is a natural for us!’ says Lucifer.

HADES – The Satanic Council today “totally rejected” claims by the “Satanist religious cult” that Lucifer or indeed any of its members were offended by John Boehner calling Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh” and “a miserable son of a bitch.”

Lucifer“On the contrary,” Lucifer himself announced, speaking on behalf of his hellish colleagues, “not since George Wallace has any American son of a bitch been better qualified to go straight to Hell.”

The Satanic Council comprises The Devil (Chair) Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Satan and Beelzebub.

Lucifer admitted that he was actually quite flattered by the comparison.

“Frankly, I’ve been upstaged by Satan for centuries,” he resentfully muttered, adding that at last his many years of working with “Eduardo” were finally paying off.

“He really thinks the voices in his head are God’s,” the the fork-tongued demon wickedly laughed, adding: “Of course, I’m the one who told him to run for president, knowing he’d never make it. The devil may cite scripture for His purpose, you know, Luke 4:9-11.”

Lucifer went on to observe that Cruz is so naturally evil, he has already achieved Council Candidate status. “We expect to Uglify him later this year,” the Horned One added, “probably after his political demise in California next month.”

Lucifer shook his tail and an Oculus Rift VR (No Headset Required)TM image of Ted Cruz’s future eternal home magically appeared.

“As you see, his cell comes equipped with its own singing Carly Fiorina, a jealous wife, two resentful daughters and an unlimited supply of dildos, none of which work.”

Lucifer added that Cruz will be forbidden any sexual outlet until he can prove that stimulating his own genitals is a medical necessity.

He will then have to apply for a Medical Masturbation Card at an office open only on the third Thursday of months where I follows E except after C.

The red-faced devil laughed sadistically. “The only reading material Ted’s allowed is Green Eggs and Ham, which he’ll have to perform aloud every time he uses the Transgender Bathroom, to a holograph of jeering US senators.

“Then Lindsey Graham in drag comes in and stabs him to death. Afterwards Graham is acquitted by the acclamation of his cheering colleagues and elected to the presidency by a grateful nation. Even Donald Drumpf humbly steps aside.”

Lucifer noted that the Council had displayed particular ingenuity designing Cruz’s eternal feeding arrangements.

“A Golden Ring labeled The Presidency swings forever just out of his reach,” the demon demonically leered, “except sometimes it delivers a bunch of his own fecal matter, which he’ll  immediately swallow or have it shoved down his throat, accompanied by every last word of Obamacare seasoned with roots and branches.”

The anti-Christ noted that after a couple of millennia Cruz would become so vengeful and morally warped that he’d quickly qualify for admission to the Satanic Council itself.

“If not, we’ll send him back for another couple of millennia,” Lucifer said. “Sooner or later he’ll make it. The miserable son of a bitch is a natural for this place.”

Michael Egan