[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump: ‘Jesus Was a Loser, He Got Caught’

‘I like saviors who weren’t captured,’ said Donald Trump at campaign stop, to big cheers.

As “The Donald” continues to barnstorm around the country on his self-proclaimed “Greatest Tour on Earth,” he keeps blurting out things that are only hurting his campaign for president. Today, Trump took on his fundamentalist fans’ biggest hero, Jesus Christ, saying that he was a “loser” for getting captured by the Romans.

Jesus, Trump
Jesus, at a campaign stop, back in the day.

“I like saviors who weren’t captured,” Trump said, echoing a former statement he made about Senator John McCain, for getting captured in Vietnam.

“Like Buddha, Krishna, Odysseus, all the best savior types. They had enemies too, but you didn’t see them being caught,” Trump bellowed to a surprising ovation.

“I would’ve been a much more successful messiah. He was a carpenter; I’m a builder who tells carpenters what to do. My cross would have been pure gold, and the only thing hanging on it would’ve been the most beautiful, sexy women — not in a bad way, you know, but in a sexy way.”

The Republican nominee for president has been stoking the ire of party leaders for months now, but it only seems to be getting worse.

“I can’t believe we let this guy get the nomination,” said Republican Majority Leader of the Senate, Mitch McConnell. “What the f*ck were we thinking?”

Hillary Clinton’s numbers keep improving with each gaffe by Trump, causing many to wonder if he hasn’t been doing it on purpose, as a Democrat plant, all this time.

“It’s too perfect,” said Karl Rove, longtime Republican strategist, popularly known as “Bush’s brain” when he served in his cabinet.

“What did our beloved Republican Party ever do to deserve this?” he complained, “I mean, besides courting bigots, religious zealots and gun nuts on the far right, and keeping them ignorant and hyped up on lies with Fox News and Limbaugh all these years?”

Back at the rally, Trump noted that he was like a deity figure too, revered as the “Great Orange One.”

“Hell, I’m more popular than Jesus,” he yelled, finger pointed to the sky, making the same mistake John Lennon made so many years ago.

“Jesus was okay, I guess, but a guy in rags who wanders in the desert like a fool is not exactly hero material,” he said, oblivious as the applause died down, his dumbfounded fans staring blankly in disbelief.

“I mean, it’s cool that he liked whores and stuff, of course, but giving away free food to other losers, and wasting his magic tricks on them? C’mon, he coulda had a decent living in one of my casinos, fer crisakes.”

“Hey, where are you going?” Trump shouted, as the disillusioned crowd began shuffling out of the hall, grumbling quietly, heads hanging low.

“Well I don’t need you losers anyway, I always have my Taj Mahal!” he screamed after them, turning a deeper shade of orange. “Oh, yeah…” he trailed off, remembering that that one went bankrupt too.

James Israel
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