Jared Kushner’s Full Plate: A Day in the Life of the Bilkersons

What is America’s busiest multi-tasking Washington couple – Ivanka and Jared Kushner – like at home?

Jared Kushner

Everyone wonders what America’s busiest multi-tasking Washington couple, Ivanka and Jared Kushner, is like at home. Well, I happened to get my hands on a transcript — okay, I wiretapped their duvet and beat Obama to it!

JARED KUSHNER

Do I have to?

IVANKA

It’s your trash too.

JARED

Let the nanny do it.

IVANKA

She has one job!

JARED

Pfft.  She should watch a professional — I can walk, chew gum and glare at Bannon at the same time!

Jared Kushner

IVANKA

Aren’t these your socks on the floor?

JARED

I drop — let the elves do the rest.

Jared Kushner

IVANKA

How about that ring around the tub?

JARED

If I’m not mistaken — isn’t that our ring?

IVANKA

Yes, sweetcakes, but who’s gonna clean it?

JARED

It’s all in the pre-nup.

IVANKA

Why have a pre-nup — you’re my everything.

JARED

No, I’m your father’s everything!

IVANKA

But, I have one complaint.  After sex…why do you always say, “Done and done”?

JARED

Do I?  How rude.  I guess I was thinking of my Israeli Peace Agreement, my speech at the unveiling of Trump’s face on Mt. Rushmore and my stand-up routine at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner!

IVANKA

But, you’re not funny!

JARED

Well, I will be.  Comic, Yakov Smirnoff & I are going to trade — he wants to lay low in our basement & I get his joke: “At the grocery store — powdered milk, powdered eggs, baby powder — what a country”!

IVANKA

You know Russians too?

JARED

Pfft.  On our resumes; it’s a pre-requisite!

IVANKA

How do you keep so many balls in the air?

JARED

Keep your eye on the prize.

IVANKA

What’s that?

JARED

2020!

IVANKA

Is that when you’ll take out the trash?

JARED

Women don’t see the bigger picture.

IVANKA

I have dreams too!

JARED

Pfft.  You’re the Elephant Whisperer!

IVANKA

Okay, we hold the dems off for 4 years with smoke screens & retire to…

JARED

Where you wanna go, Goldilocks?

IVANKA

Oh, I couldn’t leave my father!

JARED

He won’t need you anymore — let Tiffany have a shot.

IVANKA

She’s already tried & missed!

JARED

Really — how many times has he changed his Will?

IVANKA

Let’s see now — the poison dart.  The bear trap.  The brake-less Mazeratti…20?

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Marilyn Sands

Marilyn Sands

Marilyn Sands is a former 80's Stand-Up Comic who started out in the DC/MD/VA area, moved to the Bay Area in Northern California and now resides in L.A. She has sold jokes to Joan Rivers, lesser lights and gag magazines, and is a screenwriter, playwright and author of non-fiction.
Marilyn Sands

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