What’s your sign? Check out your and every other jerk’s Funny Horoscope March 2018, right here!
What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope March 2018. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them!
|Aries: This Spring you may feel like Marilyn Monroe posing in a white dress with air blowing-up her arse – or like John F. Kennedy casually cheating on his wife.|
|Taurus: You beautiful bright ray of sunshine on Spring flowers! Just kidding. You’re just good at ripping them from their roots to put into a shiny vase.|
|Gemini: This month, you’ll breathe in the wondrous fragrance of the world blooming around you – and the allergy causing pollen that comes with it. I guess you have something in common with Spring after all.|
|Cancer: Make a box, and then put a divider in the box: put democrats on one side, and republicans in the other side. Same box, same shell. Don’t believe the news, and get your head out of that shell this Spring!|
|Leo: Romance and passion is rushing through everyone this time of year: just remember, some of them have STD’s.|
|Virgo: When you step outside to enjoy the growing green all around you, sober yourself and remember that in many ancient cultures, virgins were sacrificed for the Spring Equinox.|
|Libra: This may seem like an ideal time of year for balance and peace. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen in the world – so focus on that Spring cleaning!|
|Scorpio: This month, Uranus, you’re ruling planet, announces to you – traumatic change must be experienced, no matter what the cost. Just like health insurance and pharmaceutical companies.|
|Sagittarius: It’s mighty windy in March, which you should take as a sign from the Universe to shoot straight or live a misdirected life of destroying the wrong “enemy” – like targeting people born in other countries.|
|Capricorn: Spring calls for new growth and beginnings, but when you’re dead wrong about your past – it’s more like putting funeral flowers on Goat horns.|
|Aquarius: Walking around with that full water pitcher can be a heavy burden, and when you pour it out, it simply gets polluted by all the toxins produced by multinational corporations.|
|Pisces: Happy Birthday Weird Fish People! There are farms for people like you too.|