The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews The Trumpsters

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews ‘The Trumpsters’: Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Jeff Sessions and Kirstjen Nielsen.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

The Trumpsters: Donald Trump, Mike Pence and Kirstjen Nielsen.JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are “The Trumpsters”: President Donald Trump, Vice President Mike Pence, Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen.

TRUMP

You insulted me the last time I was here. But I like strong people. Chuck Todd is weak. Chuck Todd is weak.

JERRY

Is there an echo in the room or is Trump a mental patient?

SESSIONS

No. The president repeats everything twice, because he can’t remember what he said the first time.

PENCE

Shame on you, Judas. The Lord made Donald Trump in his image.

JERRY

Which is why I’m scared to die. What’s your story Kristy?

NIELSEN

It’s Kirstjen.

JERRY

What’s with the letter “j” in your name?

NIELSEN

It’s Norwegian for jerk.

JERRY

That’s appropriate.

NIELSEN

I think so.

JERRY

Hey. Why did the Norwegian take a ladder with him to the supermarket?

NIELSEN

Is this a joke?

JERRY

No. It was a 60 Minutes episode.

NIELSEN

Why?

JERRY

Because he heard the food prices in Oslo were extremely high.

NIESEN

I was punked!

JERRY

Okay. This is serious.

JERRY

How do you sink a Swedish submarine?

NIELSEN

With a torpedo.

JERRY

No. Give it to a Norwegian crew.

SESSIONS

Ha ha. Punked again.

TRUMP

Shut up, Mr. Magoo. Your job is on the line. Special Counsel Mueller is on a witch hunt because of you. And to make matters worse, you gave cruel and punishing orders to separate migrant families at the border.

SESSIONS

But Mr. President. With all due respect, those were your orders.

TRUMP

They were not. They were not.

SESSIONS

Yes, they were. Sure as I’m the Keebler Elf.

TRUMP

Are you telling me that I pulled those orders out of my ass?

PENCE

Scripture says, “And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass…”

TRUMP

Shut up, Penster. Go down to the post office and salute a flag.

JERRY

You gave those orders, Trump. And Crusty enforced them.

NIELSEN

It’s Kirstjen. And I feel bad for those people.

JERRY

Wait a minute. How bad could you feel? You were caught eating dinner at a Mexican restaurant in DC after saying all those derogatory things about migrants.

SESSION

Duncan, I know the history of invaders over our borders. Guess why there were only 5,000 Mexican soldiers at the battle of the Alamo?

NIELSEN

(interrupts) Because they only had two vans.

PENCE

What? I thought they were hiding from ICE.

TRUMP

Isn’t my cabinet brilliant? No wonder I haven’t fired them.

JERRY

We need to fix the immigration problem.

TRUMP

I agree. I told Congress they have two choices. It’s either the illegals or Melania.

PENCE

It’s a no brainer. We have the votes. Melania should start packing.

TRUMP

Oh good. Now I can invite some babes for a sleepover at Camp David.

JERRY

Quit skirting the issue. How are you going to fix immigration?

TRUMP

Everyone will leave the country and then return when I’m no longer president.

PENCE

But what if I’m the president after you’re impeached?

TRUMP

Here’s a Playboy. Trust me, you’ll forget about immigration.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.