Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/2/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

World Cup

World Cup 2018 kicks into gear

Anyone watching the World Cup? Soccer is like high school. A bunch of guys running around, making passes, being told to keep their hands to themselves, almost never scoring… but when they do, bragging to the whole world.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy to retire

It’s always weird when someone retires from a job that requires you to show up every day in a robe.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders got asked to leave a restaurant

Seems they have a No Shirt. No Shoes. No Principles. No Service policy.

Happy birthday, Mel Brooks

For 2 thousand and 92 you look pretty damn great!

 ‘Jeopardy!’ winner could get prison for sneaking into email contacts

… and not phrasing the request as a question.

Bikini-clad Kourtney Kardashian has Mediterranean make out session with Younes Bendjima while swimming in Italy

I believe this is also an exact quote from the ‘End Times.’

Starbucks is closing 150 stores

… making it even harder for white people to find a place to pee.

L.A. Clippers coach Doc Rivers traded his son to Washington Wizards

Trump must be jealous that he can’t send Eric to the Dems!

Amazon poached 30 executives from Microsoft in the past 3 years

They must’ve used Prime because all the execs showed up within 48 hours.

Trump attacks ‘filthy’ Red Hen, the Virginia restaurant that asked Sarah Sanders to leave

… I hear he wants to build a wall around it and make Taco Bell pay for it.

Federal prosecutors cancel Stormy Daniels meeting

… Probably just want to spend a few more days going over videos.

White House scrambles to figure out how prankster got on the phone with Trump

Uh, Russian accent…

Permit Patty’s marijuana business goes down in flames after calling cops on 8-year-old black girl

On the upside, free contact high for everybody!

Canada has just announced $12.6 billion retaliatory tariffs against the U.S. includes mustard, whiskies, toilet paper, washing machines, motorboats, playing cards, ketchup

… and the U.S. is stuck with Bieber. Damn Cannucks!

The following two tabs change content below.
Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
Paul Lander

Latest posts by Paul Lander (see all)

Humor Times: 'World's Funniest News Source'