Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/3/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Dairy products, pizza, headlines today

Dairy products, especially cheese and yogurt, were found to protect against death from any cause, according to new research

Which is why I will now be getting my prescriptions filled at ‘Little Caeser’s.’

Omarosa claims to have secretly recorded Jared and Ivanka

For anyone wondering, the one with the deeper voice is Ivanka.

Rudy Giuliani stuns NBC’s Chuck Todd; ‘Truth isn’t truth’

Damn, if Rudy Giuliani had spent as much time with any of his ex-wives as he does with Chuck Todd, he could have saved those marriages.

Bishop at Aretha Franklin’s funeral thought Ariana Grande was a Taco Bell entree

… while everyone knows she’s a latte at Starbucks.

Sources report Eddie Murphy is expecting his 10th child

With this one, he also gets a free large drink and medium fries.

Rep. Duncan Hunter throws his wife under the bus

… and then promptly billed taxpayers for the bus fare!

Kim Kardashian had a major wardrobe malfunction out in Miami last night

It seems her clothes stayed on.

RIP Neil Simon

I’m at a loss for words with a ‘K’ sound right now.

A blimp resembling a bikini-clad Sadiq Khan will be allowed to fly over London

… they were going to do one of Boris Johnson, but, y’know, lunch.

Scientists say sleeping with a fan could have serious consequences

No kidding, just ask R. Kelly…

‪Louis C.K., Matt Lauer, and Aziz Ansari all resurface: Is it already comeback time for the men of #MeToo?

No! More like #MeTooSoon!

White House re-lowers flag for John McCain

Damn, the WH flag has been going up and down more often than Trump in a hotel room of Russian hookers and a fistful of Viagra.

Michael Eric Dyson to Trump at Aretha Homecoming: ‘You lugubrious leach. You dopey doppelganger of deceit and deviance. She ain’t work for you. She worked above you. She worked beyond you.’

Man, Trump’s gonna by pissed when Putin explains what those words mean.

GOP candidate Ron DeSantis warns Florida not to ‘monkey up’ the state by electing his black opponent Andrew Gillum

… damn, who knew so many people were taking Ambien?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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